I'm continuing to write about relationships for a couple of reasons: 1) this topic has been the most requested by readers, and 2) I am contributing to a public forum this coming weekend focusing on advice for a healthy and happy marriage. My hope is writing this will help you as well as help me get my thoughts in order. 

Is love enough? Unfortunately, we know the statistics. Divorce rates vary, but most have the rate in the low 40% range. Not quite the 50% that everyone talks about, but still an alarmingly high rate. So it seems like love alone is not enough, at least 40% of the time. Sorry, don't shoot the messenger.

Love may not be enough on its own, but it's a good start. When you are considering a serious commitment like marriage, you want to be thoughtful and honest about your relationship. The questions that are usually pondered are: Do I love this person? Can I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? Am I getting married for the right reasons?

How do you answer these questions? What's the right answer? Is there a right answer? Whether it's mutual love, similar interests, or "chemistry", you have to dig deeper into your relationship for the answers. This is my advice. If you ever find yourself thinking that things will get better after marriage, take a step back, a big step back.

How do you dig deeper? One option is premarital counseling. Studies show that premarital counseling reduces the risk of divorce by 30%. The goal of premarital counseling is not to find flaws in one another and point out what issues are going to be a problem. Instead, premarital counseling provides an opportunity to have a meaningful dialogue about what works in your relationship, what areas you can improve on, and what to be aware of if you choose to move forward together.

For many couples, premarital counseling is a welcomed relief. There may be life issues that have been avoided such as children, religion, family dynamics, living situation, and finances. At a deeper level, issues like communication style, stress management techniques, and personality characteristics can be openly explored and better understood by each partner. Conflict will happen, but the resolution can be easier if you truly know your partner. Part of knowing your partner is having open conversations about similarities-differences, strengths-weaknesses, and tendencies-aversions.

One potential issue for couples is misinterpreting your partner. That is, misinterpreting your partner's intentions. If your partner walks away from a conversation to think or gather their thoughts, you might misconstrue the walking away as not caring about the conversation (or relationship). If you are confused by a statement, action, or response then ask for clarification. Many potential blow-ups are avoided by simply stating, "I'm a little confused, can you say more about what you just said."

Communication style can be another major obstacle for couples. Some people like to talk immediately about a problem, while others like to have time to gather their thoughts and then come back to the issue. Generally speaking, men typically want to fix the problem, whereas women want to "talk it out." Counseling can help a couple achieve balance between these approaches or at least help the couple communicate more effectively.

Premarital counseling provides an opportunity to practice how to communicate with one another about serious issues. Confronting conflict may feel scary, but it can actually build confidence in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. The more you practice, the less anxiety, stress, and fear you will experience in the future when a difficult topic arises. You and your partner will be more aware of each other's communication styles, stress management skills, and nonverbal cues (e.g., eye-rolling, head-scratching, etc.)

Take a moment and try this exercise. Reflect on how you felt reading this post, maybe read it again. Which emotions and thoughts did you experience? Now imagine what it would be like to read this with your partner sitting beside you. Would there be tension, discomfort, fear? If the idea of reading this with your partner makes you anxious or brings to consciousness a serious but ignored issue in your relationship, then maybe this post will help open dialogue between the two of you.

I've talked exclusively about premarital counseling, but these same concepts apply to any relationship. It's never too late to improve yourself or your relationship.


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

If someone steps into my office, it's because there is a problem, usually a serious one. I'm still waiting for the day that someone walks in and says, "I'm doing great in all areas of my life and wanted to share that with you." Not sure what I would do. So instead of only focusing solely on how to solve particular problems, I also want to highlight the positive in everyday life. 

So why do relationships succeed? If you read my post on relationship failure (if not, you can here), then the concepts in this post should be somewhat familiar. Again, the major themes are communication, trust, and empathy. 

Before addressing the relationship themes, it may be worthwhile to stop and think about what success means to you in the context of a relationship. A successful relationship must have genuine communication, unconditional trust, and mutual empathy.

Communication. What is healthy communication? Most of you will say being open, honest, and sincere with your partner. All of that is true. Healthy communication involves each person being heard and respected. Being heard is more than someone looking at you when you are talking. It is the active participation of the other in attending to you. It includes both communicative (i.e., verbal acknowledgement, response) and non-communicative gestures (eye-contact, body language). 

The more attentive you are to the other person, the more genuine the connection. So put down the smart phone and make eye contact (don't worry, your facebook page will still be there). If the other person does not have your undivided attention, then the other will be less invested in the conversation. For that moment, the other person will be less invested in you. How do you feel if you are talking to someone and they are multi-tasking? People in successful relationships emphasize the importance of genuine communication between partners. 

Trusting your partner and the relationship. Trust is following through on what you say you are going to do. This includes major commitments (i.e., honesty, faithfulness, integrity) as well as the smaller details (i.e., daily responsibilities, punctuality, etc). It may seem silly to have your relationship impacted by forgetting to do the dishes. However, I've had many couple sessions where people express that the lack of commitment to the small things becomes a big issue over time. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. You can either acknowledge your limitations and work to improve or make excuses. One builds the relationship, the other hurts it.

Trust is knowing that something is important to your partner without your partner having to tell you repeatedly. I’m not saying you should be a mind-reader. However, you should be attuned to what matters to your partner. By being proactive or even active, your partner will notice that you are trying to meet their needs. This goes a long way in the process of building trust. 

Trust is strengthened by being honest with each other. Being honest does not mean you are an open diary all of the time; it can include saying, “I’d rather not talk about it now, maybe later?” This type of statement sends two messages: "I’m not in a good place right now, but I do want to talk about it with you at some point." At a deeper, relational level, this statement also says, "I can be vulnerable with you and I trust that you won't use my vulnerability against me." This is a subtle but very powerful component of a relationship (I'll write more about that in a future post titled "It's about the process"). When you feel weak and need support, a good partner will be there for you. These moments strengthen the relationship and builds trust.

Empathy. The concept of empathy is known by many, but the application can be a challenge. Empathy is the awareness of another person's feelings. The common metaphor is "put yourself in the other person's shoes." Training yourself to be empathic is a great skill to have for any relationship. A question to ask yourself is "How might the other person be feeling right now?" It's that simple. Empathizing with your partner does not mean you are wrong, or they are right. It means you are trying to understand and connect with your partner's emotional world and actions. Empathy involves setting aside your feelings (no, not dismissing them) for a moment and connecting with your partner's feelings. This may not solve the issue, but it can strengthen your relationship. 

Reflect on your current relationship and even past relationships. What went wrong? What went right? What can I change? I imagine that the answers to these questions will involve one, two, or all three of the relational themes. 

Healthy relationships are a combination of minimizing the unhealthy and maximizing the healthy. It's not an either-or scenario: you can't just avoid the negative or just emphasize the positive. If you want to be a physically healthy person, you have to minimize junk foods AND have a healthy diet. A relationship is work, but I can't help but reflect on something my dad says to me (all the time, I mean, all. the. time.): If something brings you happiness and success, is it really work?


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

Why do relationships fail? On the surface, I am sure you can think of many reasons. Ultimately though, failed relationships are due to problems in communication, trust, and empathy. More specifically, relationships fail because of an inability to communicate between one another, a lack of trust with the other and the relationship, and a disconnect with the emotional world of your partner. All three interact in a systemic way, each impacting the other two.

Inability to communicate with one another. Talking sounds simple enough. However, this is where quality is more important than quantity. Talking isn't difficult, we talk to our partners everyday (I hope). It's the depth and richness of what we communicate that strengthens a relationship. In failed relationships, the majority of the communication that exists falls into two categories: superficial or lacking. Superficial communication is mostly noise; conversations that are unrelated to your relationship or your partner. Even worse is when communication is lacking. In these situations, you can feel the distance growing between you and your partner, the relationship slipping away slowly but steadily. The more the communication deteriorates, the harder it becomes to talk about meaningful issues.

Problems trusting the other and the relationship. Trust is always a part of any discussion about relationships. You trust your partner to be open, honest, and respectful with you. You trust your partner to invest in the relationship as much as you do, to be committed to growing together. Trust is undermined when the same problem repeats itself. Deception and lying is a common trust issue. A person lies, the lie is discovered, a promise is made to not lie again, and then another lie follows. Over time, trust is lost and the relationship is in serious trouble. If you can't trust your partner, reevaluate your relationship.

Related to trusting the other is trusting the relationship. Trusting the relationship means believing that your relationship is strong enough to open a dialogue about uncomfortable and even painful topics. It's believing that your relationship can endure a conversation that may lead to conflict, an argument, or even a breakup. Some relationships fail because both people are worried if they bring up a difficult conversation, then the relationship won't survive. The irony is by not bringing up potentially difficult conversations, the relationship can not thrive. If you find yourself wanting to express something to your partner but you can't, it might be worthwhile to examine how you feel about the other person and the relationship. Conflict is a part of any relationship, but it doesn't have to be the beginning of the end.

Disconnect with the emotional world of your partner. In one word, this refers to empathy. Unfortunately, it's a lack in empathy. Empathy is a necessity of any relationship. Empathy does not mean radical forgiveness, acceptance, or submission. It does not mean that you allow your partner to do whatever he/she wants and you accept any and all behavior unconditionally. Empathy refers to understanding how your partner feels at any given moment. Many relationships end because of the inability to understand the perspective of the other person. In many instances, one person feels so strongly that it blinds his/her ability to even consider the other person's feelings. Sometimes an attempt is made to empathize with the other, but the feeling seems so foreign or wrong that it is hard to process the experience from an opposing point of view. Trying to empathize and understand the other person's experience is sometimes seen as a weakness. When empathy is perceived as a weakness, the relationship will fail.

In couples therapy, most sessions involve a discussion of communication, trust and empathy. What is your communicative style? What does trust mean to you, your partner, and your relationship? What role does empathy play in your life and relationship? Many sessions often reflect back on previous relationships, and even childhood, to gain insight into what communication, trust, and empathy looked like throughout your development. In session, a therapist is able to see the live relationship between the two individuals; how each empathizes (or doesn't) with the other, how trust (and distrust) affects the ability to listen, communicate, and connect with each other. I often ask one partner how the other partner is feeling in different moments, which allows for a conversation about how they are on the same or different emotional wavelength. If your relationship is in trouble, seek couples therapy before there is irreparable damage.

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but difficulties in communication, trust, and empathy are always involved. I must say that sometimes relationships are just not meant to be. It's no one's fault, some relationships simply aren't a good match (like oil and water, or my wife and smartphones).


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

Glass half-full or half-empty?  Based on your response, your worldview could tend to be more optimistic or pessimistic.  We are all familiar with the expression.  So I chose to mention it for a couple of reasons: 1) it's familiar 2) I'd like to use a similar analogy to explain depression.

There are a number of theories that explain depression from a genetic cause to environmental factors to an imbalance in specific neurotransmitters.  There are a number of ways to conceptualize and work with depression.  I will describe one approach here, the glass of water approach.  I was first introduced to this approach by my supervisor during internship, a very skilled therapist.  Before I go further, I have to emphasize that depression is complex, not every depressed person fits into what I describe below.  Each person is unique.

Think of yourself as a glass of water, neither half-full nor half-empty.  Now let's take a moment and focus on the actual water in the glass.  The water is the accumulation of single drops of water.  Think of each drop of water as a life experience.  It doesn't have to be a major experience, it could be any experience.  Anything from your first day of school to what you had for lunch. Both positive and negative experiences, they all accumulate in the glass.  As you have more experiences, the water level rises, drop by drop. 

For someone struggling with depression, the water in their glass has more drops of negative experiences than positive ones, or the impact of the negative experiences is greater than the impact of the positive.  Sometimes that is actually the case and sometimes that is the perception.  Part of therapy is determining whether the individual's perception is accurate or distorted.  Let's assume accuracy, the depressed individual has more negative experiences than positive.  So what can be done?

My approach is not to sugarcoat what has happened. Bad things happen in life, there is no getting around that. It's a part of life.  For depressed individuals, It is often suggested to focus on the positive or to look at how the negative might be a positive.  Sometimes this approach is effective, many times it is not.  The glass of water approach acknowledges the negative experiences and focuses on how "drops" of positive experience can be added to the water in glass.  The belief is that your experiences are real, they have shaped who you are. The negative experiences were painful.  Let's focus on figuring out how positive experiences can be added to your glass.  

A new positive experience does not replace a negative experience, but it may neutralize the impact of the negative experience.  The more drops of positive experience into the glass of water, the less likely that the negative experience will have a profound, lasting impact. 

For example, if you have a bad morning followed by a bad afternoon, you'll probably be in a bad mood that night. However, if you have a bad morning followed by a pleasant afternoon, you will probably be in a better mood than the previous example.

What is a positive experience?  Simply, an experience that brings you happiness or joy.  A potential hurdle, especially with depressed individuals, is they can truly feel there is no positive or pleasurable aspect of life.  It's a huge challenge to even think about something positive.  
A positive experience may be a non-negative experience. In that case, simply providing support and care may be the main focus of therapy, with occasional analysis of the depressive episode.  One strategy is to explore what brought you pleasure before the depression arose (e.g., spending time with family and friends, alone time, exercising, music, reading, being outside, etc.). Talking about these experiences can ease the depression and bring about hope and some level of optimism.    

So if you are struggling with depression, ask yourself what brings you joy, what eases the pain.  If you are able to come up with a list or ideas, follow through with them.  

This has been a simple description to a complex issue.  For the sake of brevity, I kept this short.  I hope no one was offended or thought that overcoming depression is always easy.  That certainly was not my intent.


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 
 

Both praising and criticizing are equally important in relationships, but unequally utilized.  More often than not, we are focused on the criticizing aspect, especially as parents.  The rationale is that certain rules need to be set, held, and maintained.  Boundaries are reinforced by teaching what not to do and stating what rules should be followed.  It's human nature to curb negative behavior; it should also be natural to reinforce positive behavior. 

I would estimate that 99% of the couples that come for an appointment talk about what is wrong with their relationship. Topics include harmful behaviors to the relationship, why the other person change, and how each is frustrated and exhausted with the other. They are taken aback when I ask how they met, and to express what they like about each other. This technique can transform anger into genuine care and love in the blink of an eye. No special trick here, just asking each person to talk about the positives of the other can provide a nice moment and valuable insight into the relationship.  

What's the point of shifting from a negative to a positive experience?  There are numerous reasons, but the most important is that your ability to communicate and connect with others is greatly increased if you are in a good place, emotionally and psychologically.  You will be more relaxed, less defensive, and more open to having a meaningful, intimate conversation. 

Talking about the positive aspects of someone or a relationship doesn't heal emotional wounds, but it can certainly help. Much in the same way that praising someone helps to balance out criticism. Whether you are in a one-year or fifty-year relationship, a friendship, or a romantic relationship, it always feels good when someone compliments you.  

That is why it is always important to remember to praise the other.  Even if it is something the other person has done for years (e.g. walking the dog, making meals, taking care of the bills, etc.), it is nice to be appreciated. A simple thank you or acknowledgement does just that; it appreciates the other person, it shows that you are aware that the other person is giving effort, and it's a pleasant moment. With enough praise and appreciation, a moment of criticism, even hurtful criticism (everyone has done it), can have minimal impact. 

So remember to be vocal about the good as much as the bad.  When critical, keep it constructive.  When praising, keep it within reason.  Too much of anything is too much. 


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

Everyone has been hurt by someone.  It's healthy to feel sad, angry, and confused among a number of emotions.  You question what happened, how it happened, and why it happened.  Sometimes you don't reflect, and want to punish the other person.  You want the other person to feel as badly as you do.  Punishing the other person feels good or at least takes away some of the pain. 

I don't judge anyone for how they feel.  However, at some point you have to ask yourself, "Is holding on to this anger and resentment healthy for me?"  The most common occurrence is in relationships where your trust has been violated by someone (e.g. lying, deception, infidelity, breakup, etc.).  I'm not suggesting to allow someone to hurt you and then forgive them unconditionally; I'm suggesting to consider your feelings about you, instead of focusing on your feelings about the other.  It's much harder, but it will be worth it. 

Sometimes it feels better to blame the other person, remind them of their faults, hold on to resentment because they made the mistake.  It feels in control, like things are balancing out: from being hurt to punishing the perpetrator. It feels fair.

With that said, there comes a time when holding on to negative feelings becomes unhealthy and problematic for you, not the one who hurt you.  Anger and resentment can blind you from what matters in your life.  It can cause you to focus on the details, losing awareness of the big picture. Anger and resentment can spill into other relationships and experiences, and not in a good way.  

For many people, letting go and forgiveness are associated with power. If you have been hurt, you feel powerless. You feel acted upon. You may feel deceived, manipulated, lied to. By holding on to feelings of blame, anger, and resentment, you are able to feel more powerful. It gives you a sense of purpose, a sense of direction. However if you hold on to those feelings for too long, those same feelings get the power.  You lose control again. The negative emotions drive how you think about things, how you interact with others, and how you feel about yourself.  This usually does not end well. 

When you hold on to a feeling, when you blame the other, it takes away from your own responsibility for what happened. This does not mean you are to blame for someone else's actions, it means to examine if you had any type of role in what happened. What was your part? What could you have done differently?  Anything? This type of self-reflection is challenging and can be painful, but it can be very rewarding in your own personal growth. 

So how do you know that it might be time to let go and forgive?  Here are a few things to consider:

Is holding on still beneficial for you? If so, how?

Is this a pattern in your life? Has this happened in previous relationships?

What is keeping you from moving on, what are you actually holding on to?

What was your role and responsibility in what happened? Did you have a role?

Letting go and forgiving is not easy. It takes strength, courage, and compassion. Not compassion for the other person, but compassion for yourself. Forgiving does not mean you are weak or foolish, it means you have the strength to move on from a negative experience.  

Feel your feelings fully, reflect on the experience, take the good with you, learn from the bad, move forward. Life is too short to be looking over your shoulder at the past. 


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

"What is play therapy?" Rightfully so, that's the question I get from parents who are interested in therapy for their child.  I tend to show them the play room and say, "It's basically what you think it is, we play games."  They usually look interested but you can see the, "I'm sorry, what?", expression that they are trying to hide.  "What do you teach them by playing, what skills will my child learn?", is another common question as parents are usually experiencing a degree of anxiety because they are seeking professional help for their child. 

Most children can't plop down on a chair and express their inner thoughts and feelings.  Younger kids usually don't have that type of cognitive development and insight.(Yes, I know some of you would argue many adults lack the necessary skills as well, but that's a whole different conversation).  The good thing is children usually have not developed complex coping mechanisms to the extent that they can completely hide their feelings.  That's where the play comes in.  Whether role playing with dolls, battling with soldiers, or drawing pictures, children usually project their thoughts and feelings into these activities.  These symbolic activities give us a peek into what children are thinking and feeling.  Through play, we can help children identify and express their feelings and assist them in how to better handle stressful situations. 

Almost all children want to be adults, or at least want the "perks" of being an adult (and most adults reminisce about the simplicity of childhood...ahhh, such is life). Children can experience a lack of control in their life that can manifest in a number of ways including anxiety, anger, and sadness.  Play therapy is unstructured and with the exception of a few ground rules (i.e., office rules, safety rules), the child is in control. Children love this part of play therapy. Children spend most of their day either in school or at home where there are rules, so the idea of an experience where they make the decisions is culture shock.  Children are completely in charge and have almost all of the power in the room.  With this comes improved self-esteem, an increase in perceived control, and decreases in emotional dysregulation and anxiety.  

Play therapy also allows for the therapist to experience the child in a social setting.  Many times the child does not even realize a therapy session is happening, they think they are playing with an older friend.  Through play, not only do we get a glimpse of inner thoughts and feelings, but also of how the child interacts in a relationship.  This can be very helpful, especially for children struggling socially.  The therapist can express feelings that provide insight and education about the child's behavior.  For example, if the child is aggressive or uses hurtful words then I might say, "Ouch, you must be really angry if you are using that type of language."  Over time, the child becomes more aware of their own behavior and that feelings are a two-way street; both people experience them.  
  
Parents also play a role in play therapy.  Usually what happens in the session stays between the therapist and the child, with a few exceptions (e.g. safety, abuse).  In some instances, the child may want something to remain confidential, but it might be very beneficial for the information to be shared with the family. In this situation, usually the therapist talks with the child about meeting with the parents and how it might be helpful.  In my experience, most children are hesitant but open to a meeting with parents.  However, if the child is not ready to share certain feelings and there is not the potential for imminent harm, then I respect the child's wishes and shelf that conversation for a later session. 

Play therapy allows for a relationship to develop between the child and the therapist.  Trust, warmth, and safety are nurtured as the relationship grows.  The child gains acceptance that the world is daunting, but they now have the support and hope (within themselves and through others) to navigate whatever obstacles come their way.  I have been practicing play therapy for over 8 years, and I am still amazed by how issues can be addressed without actually talking about the issue. Play therapy has a nuance that is unique to itself. 

I can't take any credit for this list, other than posting it for all of you. It's a thought-provoking list, and there are alot of great concepts that go way beyond romantic relationships. Many of the items can be applied to friendships. I'm not one to give worksheets or "homework" in therapy, but I give this to almost all of the couples I work with. 

I read about this list from www.suhaibwebb.com who re-posted the list from a seminar. Enjoy!

1. Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. You have to work at it.
2. If your job takes all of your best energy, your marriage will suffer.
3. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own happiness.
4. It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time.
5. When you complain about your spouse to your friends, remember that their feedback can be distorted.
6. The only rules in your marriage are those you both choose to agree with.
7. It is not conflict that destroys marriage; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that you hold for a long time.
8. It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with what you have.
9. If you think you are too good for your spouse, think again.
10. Growing up in a happy household doesn’t ensure a happy marriage, or vice versa.
11. It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.
12. The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.
13. Love isn’t just a feeling; it is expressed through our actions.
14. Expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.
15. Arguments cannot be avoided, but destructive arguments can be avoided.
16. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.
17. Even people with happy marriages sometimes worry that they married the wrong person.
18. Your spouse cannot rescue you from unhappiness, but they can help you rescue yourself.
19. The cost of a lie is far greater than any advantage you gain from speaking it.
20. Your opinion is not necessarily the truth.
21. Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy.
22. Guilt-tripping won’t get you what you really want.
23. Don’t neglect your friends.
24. If you think, “You are not the person I married,” you are probably right.
25. Resisting the temptation to prove your point will win you a lot of points.
26. Generosity of spirit is the foundation of a good marriage.
27. If your spouse is being defensive, you might be giving them reasons to be like that.
28. Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100.
29. You can pay now or pay later, but the later you pay, the more interest and penalties you acquire.
30. Marriage requires sacrifice, but your benefits outweigh your costs.
31. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continous process.
32. Accepting the challenges of marriage will shape you into a better person.
33. Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket: once it clears the pull of gravity, it takes much less energy to sustain the flight.
34. A successful marriage has more to do with how you deal with your current reality than with what you’ve experienced in the past.
35. Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself.
36. There is no greater eloquence than the silence of real listening.
37. One of the greatest questions to ask your spouse is “How best can I love you?”
38. Marriage can stay fresh over time.
39. Assumptions are fine as long as you check them before acting upon them.
40. Intention may not be the only thing, but it is the most important thing.
41. Good sex won’t make your marriage, but it’ll help.
42. Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy will.
43. Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear, not love.
44. Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming.
45. If your spouse thinks something is important, then it is.
46. Marriage never outgrows the need for romance.
47. The sparkle of a new relationship is always temporary.
48. There is violence in silence when it’s used as a weapon.
49. It’s better to focus on what you can do to make things right, than what your partner did to make things wrong.
50. If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce.

Excerpted from Al Maghrib Institute’s “Fiqh of Love” seminar with Shaykh Waleed Basyouni.