The first post in this 4-part series focused on things to consider before engaging in a conversation. If you missed it, you can read it here. Let's focus on what you can do while you are communicating that will allow for and maintain respectful communication. 

Check in and get feedback. Respectful communication isn't rocket science. Keep it simple. Ask the person you are talking to if you are being respectful. If they request you to do something (e.g., sit down, step back, lower your voice), comply if you feel it will help the conversation. By considering a request, you are showing you care about making the other person feel comfortable. It can be the difference between a good and bad conversation.

Body language, The common saying is communication is over 90% body language (nonverbal communication). Pay attention to physical cues. If you or your partner are exhibiting any cues of frustration (e.g., arms crossed, eyes rolling, clenching fists, tone), then address it or take a break. This applies to any feeling. Our body is always presenting signals about how we are feeling (For more on the body-emotion connection, click here). Body language is a great way to assess how a conversation is progressing or deteriorating. 

Give your undivided attention. Put down the laptop or smartphone and make eye contact. If you are multi-tasking during a conversation, you are asking for trouble. For you, multi-tasking may mean you are doing your best to make time to talk while meeting other demands. For the other person, multi-tasking might mean that they aren't important enough for your undivided attention. Everyone is busy, but taking 5 minutes out of your day may prevent an argument that lasts hours or days.

Summarize what has been said. Summarizing what the other person says is a great way to show that you are paying attention. It's an effective technique to ensure you comprehend the other person's message. If you have trouble focusing, repeating the information can save you from frustration and misunderstandings. Summarizing what has been said allows for the other person to determine if they are accurately expressing their thoughts and feelings. If you have ever said or thought, "That's not what I meant" or "You took that the wrong way", summarizing what someone says might be beneficial. 

Conversations can be positive, negative, or both. But each person can ensure that respect is maintained throughout the conversation. Staying respectful keeps your relationship strong, even if there is a disagreement. 

The next post will focus on when conversations deteriorate, and the guidelines that can help you have a healthy argument. 


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Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

Recently I was a part of a community forum that focused on increasing and maintaining happiness in the home. The topic was effective and healthy communication. The topic is too complex for one post, so the next 4 posts are going to discuss the intricacies of communication. Let's start with general tips for how to effectively communicate.

Check in with yourself. It's incredibly important to be in the right state of mind before expressing yourself. Whatever the feeling, take a moment to make sure you are capable of having a conversation without becoming overwhelmed by your emotions.

Calm down. If you feel on edge, find a way to relax. Grab a glass of water, go for a short walk, listen to calming music, do what is calming. Taking a moment to calm down also gives you time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. The last thing you want to do is say something that you will later regret.

Use "I" statements. When you express yourself, use statements that start with "I". Even if you are mad at something the other person did, you can express yourself by saying, "I am feeling mad by what happened." It's less confrontational than "You made me angry." You are still sharing your feeling, and utilizing a less confrontational technique will allow for a more open dialogue.

Timing is everything. Maybe you've read up to this point and checked all three tips off the list. You're feeling ready to have that conversation. It might not matter, if the other person isn't ready. Ask if it's okay to talk. If it isn't, try to find an agreeable time. Even if you want talk right now, recognize that the conversation might be more harmful than helpful if both people aren't mentally prepared.

Location, location, location. Just like in real estate, location is everything. Reflect on past conversations. If you believe the conversation will be difficult, find a setting that is comfortable for both participants. Some people prefer a quiet room, a public place, or a certain time of day. A comfortable environment decreases anxiety which increases listening and message absorption.

You've probably noticed these tips focus on things to consider before you initiate a conversation. The next post will focus on what to do during the conversation.


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

In an earlier post, I wrote extensively about the value of premarital counseling, and how I believe premarital counseling should be a part of wedding preparations.

Think about it, $100s on a cake, $1,000s on a photographer and other expenses. The average wedding costs well over $10,000. Premarital counseling would be a very thin slice of the marriage budget pie.

Counseling has a negative connotation, and I’m not sure anything can change that. Premarital counseling isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually an incredibly pro-active, healthy process to ensure that the most important relationship in your life starts on solid ground.

I’ve worked with many engaged couples who have come for a few sessions to talk aloud about their relationship, and to see if they are missing any potential issues. Having kept in contact with these couples, they for the most part continue to report having satisfying, happy marriages. Unfortunately these couples are few and far between.

The vast majority of couples come to therapy during a crisis or when there is such emotional distance between one another that the relationship seems beyond repair. Instead of repeating the ideas and points from the previous blog column, I wanted to give three examples of major issues couples face in the first year of marriage: compromise, money, and the extended family.

Compromise. The biggest adjustment for most is the actual process of merging two lives into one home. Furniture, TVs, kitchenware, clothes, beds, etc. What to keep, what to get rid of, where to live. It’s endless. The important part is finding compromise. The foundation of compromise is each person partially sacrifices what they want. Compromise promotes two things: 1) each person is flexible in their wants and needs, and 2) there is mutual care and respect in the relationship.

Money. It doesn't buy happiness, but it can certainly bring stress. Money matters, and it's one of the biggest causes of conflict and divorce. Talk about money so that both people are comfortable with the finances. Talk specifics. Is your household going to have one earner or two, for how long, what are your financial goals? Many couples meet weekly or monthly to talk about household income and expenses. Even if money is not an issue, talking about it builds a comfort level which is important if finances ever do become an issue.

Extended family. Better known as “the in-laws”. Talking about families can be very difficult, because there are a lot of emotions attached to family, and rightfully so. The underlying issue with extended families is boundaries (click here for more about boundaries). When you get married, you are a part of a new family born out of two existing families.

As a new family, you have to find your own identity. This doesn’t mean extended family is excluded, it means you and your partner have to agree on the extent of family inclusion (if any). Once you find agreement, there has to be consistency. Both people have to abide by the agreed boundaries. Lastly, communication about extended family has to be open, honest, and respectful. Beliefs and feelings change, and healthy communication allows for open dialogue about what to do with shifting beliefs.

These are three examples of many issues that arise in the first year of marriage. If you and your partner are having difficulty adjusting to marriage, seek support and guidance. Whatever you do, don’t have children because you think it will fix the marriage.

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Facebook’s impact on the world is undeniable. The ability to connect with someone on the other side of the planet with the click of a button is remarkable. Be careful though, because studies examining facebook show an inverse correlation between the amount of time you spend on facebook and psychological well-being. In essence, the more time you spend on facebook, the worse you feel about your life.

Now with that said, many people use facebook to stay connected with family, maintain friendships (by not directly talking to friends…that’s for another post), network, and find others with similar interests. These reasons can all be healthy and actually improve life satisfaction. When facebook is used to stay connected with others, it can be very rewarding and beneficial.

So what's the problem? People by nature compare themselves to others. There are a number of theories (e.g., Festinger’s social comparison theory) that suggest people get their self-worth and value based on comparing themselves to others. Again, that’s not unhealthy. It can actually be very beneficial to compare yourself to others. The problem arises when the comparisons are not based on completely accurate information.

Facebook allows for a filtered, biased representation of the individual. Profiles are full of pictures of home-made meals, exotic trips, and daily highlights (kudos to those who share daily lowlights). With enough facebook surfing, these snapshots can seem like the norm. You start comparing your "average" life to friends who just returned from a vacation, make meals from scratch, or always seem to be having success. That becomes your belief of what others around you are accomplishing. You start to question your value and negative thoughts creep in.

It’s important to keep an accurate perspective. For every picture of culinary masterpieces, there could be countless pictures of leftovers. For every picture of breathtaking views of the beach, there could be hundreds of pictures of a somber office cubicle. People tend to share the good and not the bad, especially on social media.

Facebook profiles are like reality TV. They're edited to show the eye-catching highlights as the mundane routine couldn't get the ratings. Keep that in mind.

In the 1900s it was don't judge a book by its cover. For the 2000s, maybe it should be don't judge a person or yourself by a facebook profile. Neither a book cover nor facebook tell the whole story.

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One of the first questions someone asks when they come for therapy is, "How long is this going to take?" It's a interesting moment as there really isn't an answer. For a lot of people, this is where setting goals is important. It's a way for people to track progress. It's measurable. Am I less depressed? Do I have more friends? Have I been better at coping with daily stress?

These questions are ways to assess the frequency of presenting symptoms (e.g., feeling sad, lacking energy, discomfort in social situations). The symptoms are what bring people to therapy. However, the cure for symptoms is examining the root causes. Getting to the root of a problem is complex, and it's the reason why it's difficult to answer, "How long is this going to take?" In my work, successful therapy is defined by attaining 3 goals.

Increased awareness of the self.

Before making real changes in your life, you have to better understand what changes need to happen. Part of that process is better understanding you. Everyone has their own behavioral patterns, relationship tendencies, stress management preferences, and a style in relating to others. Therapy helps the person gain insight into personal patterns.

Increased awareness of the other.

It's great to know why you do the things that you do, but life doesn't exist in a vacuum. Your behavior has an impact on others. The next step after increasing awareness of your behavior is making the connection to how your actions affect others. I'm talking about empathy again. I've written extensively about empathy, read a more detailed description here.

Understanding relationships.

Seems natural. Gain awareness of yourself and others and you'll be good to go with relationships. Right? Not necessarily. Relationships are Gestalt-like, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Understanding relationships is more than understanding yourself and the other. Relationships are a source for psychological well-being. Unhealthy relationships are usually associated with increased stress and psychological problems, whereas those with healthy relationships tend to be happier and more confident. For a more in depth read on relationships, click here.

Increased awareness will inevitably lead to a decrease in presenting symptoms, which is what most people want. However, increased awareness leads to a fundamental change in our core self, which is what most people need.

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According to Seligman, Steen & Peterman (2005), the secret to happiness isn’t money, adventure, or love; it’s expression of gratitude. If you want to read the study or view a creative summary and twist to the study, check out this Upworthy.com video by clicking here.

If you don’t want to read or watch, I’ll do a quick summary. Basically, it was found that people are happier when they express gratitude, and even happier if they are able to express gratitude directly to the person. The largest increases in happiness were found in those who initially reported the lowest levels of happiness.

This makes sense, right? Expressing gratitude means that you are polite, thoughtful, and respectful. Anyone would think these are characteristics of a well-adjusted, happy person. The catch is that there were people who initially expressed low levels of happiness, but their happiness increased significantly after expressing gratitude verbally and directly to another. Why?

Well, I think the answer lies in the process of expressing gratitude. One of my mentors always said, “It’s the process, not the content,” during our supervision sessions. It took me a while to understand what he meant, and I think it applies here (Thanks, Jeff). I’ll write about “the process” more in the coming weeks.

The process of expressing gratitude is powerful and intimate, more so than most people realize. It’s one thing to say “thanks”, it’s another thing to expound on that “thanks” and express how someone has really helped you as a person. Expressing gratitude opens your emotional world to another. That can make anyone feel vulnerable.

Why would someone feel vulnerable?

Two reasons why someone might feel vulnerable are: 1) the possibility of being hurt/exploited/criticized and 2) the possibility of actually emotionally connecting with another person in a healthy way. The latter is what happens with gratitude. When you express gratitude, you are saying, “I really appreciate you and the positive impact you have had on my life.” It may feel uncomfortable, but it feels good to make another person feel good, at least according to this study.

Why does any of this matter?

Well it matters quite a bit, certainly in therapy. My standard approach to working with a depressed individual is maintaining and increasing positive experiences (click here to read more about my approach). However, “positive experiences” are usually defined by actions that bring you joy: a hobby, lunch with a friend, something that makes you feel good. This study adds the twist of making someone else feel good by expressing gratitude. It will certainly add to my approach and hopefully yours.

If you are having a down day (or even a great day), express gratitude to someone. Test the idea out. See what it's like to send an email versus a phone call. If you're really brave, share your gratitude in person. You might be pleasantly surprised by how good it feels.

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Enabling is a term that has become more mainstream in the last decade or so, especially with the popularity of 12-step programs (and reality TV) for those with addiction issues. However, enabling behavior isn’t new, and it’s not limited to addiction.

What is that fine line between love and enabling? Love is however you define it. More than likely some part of that definition includes unconditional acceptance. The notion that you are loved exactly the way you are.

Enabling grows out of and is driven by love. Enabling is loving someone to the extent that you excuse and then assume their responsibilities. The more you take over their responsibilities, the more they depend on you. The cycle continues, around and around it goes.  

With addiction, the addict might be in excruciating pain and the only thing that will help is another fix. Out of love, they are given a few dollars for that one fix. The mind rationalizes the behavior in a number of ways, including that if they are given the money they’ll see that they are loved, or that it’s better to get the money from a loved one than to do something harmful or even criminal.  

With children, enabling might be in the form of eating. Your little one takes two bites of dinner, says they are full, and then comes back an hour later complaining of starvation. As a parent you don’t want your child to go hungry; at the same time, you don’t want to set the example that it’s okay to avoid dinner and finagle your way into a delicious dessert (preferably something with peanut butter).  

With teenagers, it could be allowing your teen to stay up late and then they don’t want to go to school because they feel tired. You think to yourself they do look really tired so maybe this one time. Even something this minor could be the start of a major case of enabling.

Seemingly healthy relationships aren’t immune to enabling. One person works a stressful job and then doesn’t take care of their responsibilities at home. The other compensates and takes over all of their responsibilities. You can see how this might become problematic over time.

Enabling happens with emotions as well. If you withhold your feelings because your partner doesn’t handle emotional conversations well, then you may be enabling their inability to connect and empathize with you and your needs. Resentment, confusion, and loneliness can grow and suddenly a relationship is in trouble.

You might be thinking sometimes you have to pick up the slack. People have bad days, weeks, even months. That’s absolutely correct. Sometimes it’s not enabling. It’s being there for the other person when they need extra support. A sign of enabling is if you find yourself taking over the other person’s responsibilities, things that have been discussed many times in the past. There are certain behaviors that a child/teen/adult should be able to do.

The other component, and a discussion for another time, is what is happening that you allow yourself to be the enabler. Is it that you are an amazingly compassionate person, or maybe it’s difficult to advocate for yourself and express troubling feelings to someone you love? Enabling is a two-person process. Both have a responsibility.

Identifying enabling behavior can be difficult, because the motivation is grounded in love. However, if you regularly ask yourself why someone continues to behave a certain way (especially if the behavior is harmful), it is worthwhile to look at each person’s responsibility in the behavior. Sometimes love is confronting the other on their issues or shortcomings, as long as the approach is fueled with compassion and sensitivity.


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One billion dollars is spent every year on dieting. Billion. Think of what you could do with that type of money. Ok, I just lied. It’s not one billion, it’s 60 billion. Sixty billion dollars on dieting, books, dieting drugs, and surgeries.

Weight gain is a numbers game. If you consume more calories than you burn, you will gain weight. Weight gain is your body saying, “I have no idea what to do with these extra calories so I’m going to store it in this love handle.” Remember that previous post about your body constantly talking to you (read it here if you missed it)? The same concept applies to eating.

Diets give you a framework for how to lose and maintain weight. In the end, it doesn’t matter what diet fad you adhere to, what matters is you. What are you doing fundamentally to change the way you view your relationship with food? Why are the diets not working?

Be realistic. Have realistic goals. Don't set yourself up for failure. Instead of cutting out all unhealthy foods, start by removing one food from your diet. If you eat out for lunch 5 times a week, set a goal to eat out 4 times a week.

Slow down. Take your time when eating. The faster you eat, the more you eat. Your body hardly has time to send you the “I’m satisfied” signal before another bite. Remember when you were young and everyone said chew your food 20 times? Well, chew your food 20 times.

Be mindful. Don’t just eat. Notice the flavor, texture, and other features of what you are eating. Being mindful changes your eating experience and helps you determine when you are satisfied before you are stuffed.

Recognize if you are actually hungry. Many people eat because they are bored, stressed, upset, it’s the typical eating time, or the opportunity simply presents itself. Ask yourself, “Am I hungry or am I just eating to eat?”

It’s okay to make a mistake. No one is perfect. If you gain weight or “cheat” on your diet, it’s okay. Reflect on what happened and learn from it.

Drink water. Your body is 60% water. It needs water. Water flushes toxins, transports nutrients, and can speed up metabolism. Most professionals recommend 12 glasses of water for men and 9 for women (8oz glass).

Water is also an appetite suppressant. For babies, the more food they eat, the less milk they drink. The more milk a baby drinks, the less food they eat. So, the more water you drink (which you need anyway), the less food (and calories) you will consume.

Avoid temptations. Alcoholics are taught to stay away from places where alcohol is readily available. Stay away from snacks and foods that are your weakness. Don’t peruse the snack aisle at the grocery store, and keep certain foods out of your home.

Adhere to your guidelines and be patient. Give your dietary change a chance. Your body needs time to adjust. If you don’t see instant results, stay positive.

Support. Changing your food lifestyle is hard. If you need support, get it. Whether that means a support group, dieting partner, therapy, or whatever is helpful for you.

The statistics are there: 95% of folks regain the lost weight within 5 years. Over 100 million Americans are dieting. Diets are short-term and superficial. Instead, change how you think about food and eating at the core (no pun intended), and you can change your life.

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If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!

Bad things happen in life, they just do. If they keep happening, it might be worthwhile to ask yourself, “Why does this keep happening to me?” “What is my role?” It’s one thing to be dealt a bad hand or have bad luck, it’s another to actively play a part in your own demise.

Self-destructive behavior can be a conscious effort, but in many instances it’s driven by unconscious forces. Why would someone actively sabotage their life? Why would someone seek out unhealthy relationships? Why are you chronically late to work or short-tempered? There are actually quite a few explanations for self-sabotage.

Self-destructive behavior is seen as normal. For some people, self-destructive behavior has been happening for so long it feels normal. A common theme in therapy is assisting an individual in realizing how their way of living might be maladaptive. It’s not easy to change unhealthy behavioral or cognitive patterns, especially if there is some degree of benefit. Part of the therapeutic process is gaining awareness of the beneficial and/or harmful aspects of behavior. 

Self-destructive behavior is beneficial. This might be a head scratcher, but sometimes there is a benefit to self-destructive behavior. Whether it is to elicit compassion, pity, or sympathy, self-destructive behavior can serve as a way to gain attention from others or a connection to someone. For some, any attention (even negative) is better than no attention, and there are plenty of people who are drawn to the emotionally wounded.

The fear of change. Change is uncomfortable and scary. Even if your behavior is self-destructive and unhealthy, if it has been your standard behavior, it’s comfortable and predictable. Comfort and predictability are highly valued, and in many cases, well-being and quality of life are compromised for comfort and control. Many people in unhealthy relationships are caught in a common conundrum: stay in a harmful, yet predictable, relationship or leave and be left with the unknown.

The fear of success. Self-destructive behaviors are typically associated with maladaptive, unhealthy experiences. After enough time, individuals can embrace a self-view of being inadequate and worthless. When failure is perceived as inevitable, even the idea of being successful is anxiety provoking. Shifting from a negativistic to an optimistic mindset is a challenge. Part of that challenge is letting go of a current identity and opening yourself to a new way of living. It can be an intimidating proposition but it's certainly doable.

Self-destructive behavior is common. If you find yourself wondering why the same bad thing continues to happen to you, partake in self-reflection and see if you can recognize patterns in your behaviors, relationships, and experiences.

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If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!

In a previous post titled "Letting Go",  I briefly commented on grudges within the process of moving on from relationships. You can read that post here. In this post, I want to say more about the idea of a grudge and how it may speak more about your coping and communication style than anything someone has done or said to you.

What is a grudge? A grudge is the resentment of another for a past harm. Psychologically, a grudge is what remains when an emotional injury hasn't healed properly or completely; essentially, an emotional wound or scar.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how your body sends your mind signals when you are feeling specific emotions (to review that article, click here.). A grudge is your mind sending the following signal to your consciousness:

I continue to have thoughts about that person because of what happened, and because I still have unresolved feelings about the person and experience.

If you find yourself preoccupied with resentful feelings toward another person, you are holding a grudge. You have three options: continue to hold the grudge, address your feelings with the appropriate person, or decide to actively move on with your life. You could also do some sort of combination of the three.

Option #1: Hold on to the grudge. The benefit of this is you get to focus all your anger and resentment at this person inside of your head. The downside is chronic angry and resentful feelings puts your mental and physical health at risk. The other downside is you learn (or continue) to suppress your feelings, which will feed the cycle of being hurt and not advocating for yourself.

Option #2: Address your feelings. The purpose of sharing your feelings with the appropriate person (the perpertrator) is not to get that apology or for the person to grovel for forgiveness (though that would be nice), the purpose is to find your voice, to advocate for yourself. This value is sometimes lost in the process. Advocating for yourself is taking ownership of your life, it's saying that I can't control what other people do but I have power over my actions and how the actions of others affect me.

Option #3: Move on with your life. Many choose this option, but be careful. At face value, moving on and even learning from your experience sounds like a healthy, well-adjusted way to live. This option may very well work, but be aware that for some, continuing to be the "bigger person" may result in emotional and relationship issues later in life.

Why do some experiences result in grudges while others are resolved and released? That's a great question to reflect on. Is it simply because you have fully expressed your feelings and have complete understanding of the situation or are there other factors?

Many hold grudges because of the fear of what may happen if their true feelings of anger, sadness, and resentment are expressed. Expressing your feelings in a healthy way usually won't result in the catastrophic damage you imagine. It will result in a personal sense of accomplishment and mastery of one's environment.

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If you are interested in being notified of future blog posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!