It's something that always seems to come up in therapy when people are reflecting on current and past relationships. A relationship sours or ends and most people ask aloud, “Where there signs?” “What did I miss?” In my experience, there are almost always signs that the relationship is in trouble, sometimes even from the first weeks of the relationship.

In many cases, people quickly connect the dots and then feel embarrassed they weren't able to identify the signs earlier. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest when you are surrounded by trees. Therapy is helpful because it gives you distance and objectivity that are elusive while in the relationship.

I thought it might be helpful to list signs that may suggest your relationship is in trouble. Every relationship is different so the list may not apply to you. However, I have found the list below to be prevalent in troubled relationships.

There was never a “honeymoon” period. The “honeymoon” period is at least the first year of your relationship. If that first year was full of conflict and arguing, that's an ominous sign.

Children were conceived to fix the relationship. As a family and child psychologist, it pains me to hear a couple say they had kids to fix the relationship. I've never seen a relationship improve because a child has been added to the family. I've seen countless relationships further deteriorate when a newborn is thrown into the mix.

Your sex life is non-existent or a chore. Your sex life matters. Sex is as much an emotional act as it is a physical act. A non-existent sex life suggests there is a lack of intimacy, care, and trust in the relationship.

“We live different lives”. Maybe it's just about scheduling, but if you feel like you are living different lives, you probably also feel an emotional distance and void in your relationship.

You no longer spend time with friends. Yes, in some relationships you want to spend so much time with your significant other that friendships are sacrificed. However over the long-term, the healthiest relationships have a balance between spending time with each other and friends (separately and together).

Anger evolves into resentment. Anger happens in every relationship. It's normal and healthy. When anger becomes resentment, the angry feelings from an experience have now hardened into pain and hurt that threatens the foundation of the relationship.

Suspicion and jealousy is the norm. It's interesting to see one partner describe the other or themselves as “naturally” jealous. People aren't jealous naturally. Jealousy and suspicion arise when trust and openness are absent.

Reading this list with your partner would lead to conflict or more emotional distance. If you read this alone, pause for a moment and imagine what it would be like to read this with your partner. If you read this with your partner, it at least opens dialogue.


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A friend recently asked for tips on how to foster a sense of gratitude in young children. Specifically, how to instill a sense of feeling fortunate for what they have. Gratitude in children is an important and crucial part of child development. Here are some ideas on how to get the gratitude ball rolling with the young ones:

Keep perspective. A big hurdle for parents is setting aside their own expectations and recognizing their child's actual capabilities. When it comes to gratitude, many parents will say, “At least you have food to eat and a roof over your head”. Most young children aren't cognitively capable of truly grasping complex ideas like gratitude, at least how adults conceptualize gratitude.

Yes, you want your 5 year-old to walk into the bedroom and genuinely say thanks for food, clothes, and drinkable water. It's just not going to happen. So shift your expectation and recognize that a “thank you” and “please” are also expressions of gratitude. It's not where you ultimately want to be, but it's a good start.

Be a role model. Kids are always watching and absorbing all that parents do. That's one of the reasons why parenting is the hardest job you'll ever have. Want your kids to be grateful? Show them how. We teach our kids how to throw a ball and color inside the lines. So teach them how to express gratitude by expressing gratitude on a daily basis. This exercise will not only teach your kids about gratitude, it will teach (remind) you too.

Consider if you are giving your child a chance to show gratitude. It's possible that you give your child everything that they want, so instead of becoming grateful your child may be more demanding or entitled.

Reward moments of gratitude. If and when your child does say “thank you” or exhibits any gratitude, big or small, take a moment and praise them. You don't have to throw a party. A hug, hi-5, or return thank you will suffice. Recognize their effort, you'll get more of it. On a side note, the actual expression of gratitude can be the secret to happiness.

Nurture empathy. If you want your child to really get a sense of gratitude, then continue to develop their sense of empathy. Without this emotional component, children will express gratitude because they think they are supposed to, not because they want to.

Less explanation, more emotion. We all too often give reasons why our kids should be grateful. This is effective for some kids, but most things in our lives have a more resounding impact when our emotions are stirred. So focus on the emotions underlying gratitude. Ask your child emotionally-driven questions like:

How would you feel if you had no toys?

What if you lived in a place where you couldn't go outside and play?

How should we thank mommy for this delicious lunch?

Your child's response to these or similar questions will let you know where they are in their cognitive development and in understanding the essence of gratitude.

Don't expect immediate results. Personal growth is a process. If you find yourself frustrated that you aren't seeing immediate results, give yourself a reality check and your child some time.

Start family traditions. It's interesting that most families save expressing thanks for the dinner table on Thanksgiving. Considering giving thanks during dinner on a daily basis. If your family is religious/spiritual, incorporate gratitude into your daily prayer.

Want your kids to be grateful for the roof over their heads? Camp in the backyard or go for a walk on a cold day. Don't punish them, but use these and other creative ideas to start a dialogue about how nice it is to sleep on a bed or have a home to escape a cold or rainy day.

Want your kids to see the homeless and less fortunate? Be careful. They may see something traumatic or may become scared. You know your kid the best so go with what you think is right. If they are too young or sensitive, have them put together a basket of food or clothes that can be donated to help the less fortunate.

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I believe each child has a unique relationship with each parent. With that uniqueness comes the responsibility of teaching your child things that only you can teach.

I certainly feel this way with my kids. There are some things that I do better and some things that my wife does better. Reflecting on my clinical work, I feel there are a few things that a daughter should know, and it's best if it came from dad.

1) Don't base your self-esteem on your physical appearance. Yes, care about your appearance but don't let your appearance define your value. Girls experience so much pressure when it comes to their image, dads need to lay the foundation that self-esteem is about who you are, not what you look like.

2) “Airbrushing” is a disservice to all girls and women. The deception of airbrushing is being exposed. It's incredibly important for dads to make sure their daughters know these pictures are unhealthy figments of imagination.

3) You are going to make a lot of mistakes in life, and that's exactly what you are supposed to do. Just like me. I routinely work with kids who think they have to be perfect, and it causes them a lot of stress. It's common for kids to think their parents are perfect. Let the cat out of the bag, dad makes mistakes too.

4) Remember those mistakes? Learn from them. A mistake can either be a problem or an opportunity. It's a problem if it continues to repeat itself, it's an opportunity if you learn from it.

5) Eat what you want, but be healthy about it. I've had girls in kindergarten tell me they are dieting. Eat what you want, but be responsible. If you want to lose weight, it's okay, it doesn't mean you're fat.

6) Choose your friends wisely. At some point a friend is going to pressure you to do something you know is wrong. Is that really a friend?

7) Your siblings may be very different from you, but you'll always be siblings. You all may have very different likes and lives, but you will always be family. Stay connected.

8) It's okay if there are some things that you don't want to talk to dad about. Some things are just uncomfortable for a daughter to talk to her dad about, same with boys and their mothers.

9) The way dad treats your mom is how men should treat you. Where do kids first learn about relationships? From their parents. If you treat their mom with love, respect, and care, they will learn that those characteristics are the foundation of a healthy relationship.

10) Be yourself. Don't change who you are for someone else. If someone likes you when you are being something that you aren't, they don't like the real you.

11) I will always love you and be your dad, always. This one needs no explanation.


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Some may be surprised, I'm guessing most won't be, but I regularly incorporate humor into therapy. Not in the sense of telling jokes to lighten the mood, but with the goal of opening up a person to being psychologically vulnerable and genuine.

Before speaking about the psychological aspect, there are some interesting findings from the biology of laughter. Research found that spontaneous laughter results in the release of endorphins (feel-good chemical) which decrease stress and anxiety, and increases your ability to tolerate pain. Endorphins are natural pain-killers.

There is a subtle but important difference between the ability to laugh versus the capacity to laugh. When someone says, “just laugh it off”, that's referencing the ability to laugh. The capacity to laugh is the ability to laugh at moments and experiences. It's my belief that expanding your capacity to laugh can have a positive impact on your life, it may even save it.

Expanding the capacity to laugh shifts your psychological makeup in two ways: cognitively and emotionally. Finding humor in moments that don't appear funny increases your cognitive flexibility. Cognitive flexibility is the ability to understand one thing from different perspectives, to simultaneously contemplate multiple aspects of a single thing. I'll write more about this in the future, but I hope it's fairly clear how this skill can be helpful in better yourself, friendships, marriage, and parenting.

Laughter can have a profound effect on your emotional life. Laughing simply makes you feel better. It feels good to laugh. I'm talking about something different here. Genuine laughter, at a deeper level, is a moment of radical vulnerability and openness. It's sharing your private world with someone else. Without saying anything, you're expressing that what the other person said moved you. When laughing, anxiety and stress are removed from the moment. Laughter is undoubtedly a way to connect with other people. In therapy, if I connect with someone through laughter, it tells me this person has the capacity to be flexible in thought and to be emotionally vulnerable.

Laughter can also be a humbling experience, especially if you can laugh at yourself. Maybe it's my defense mechanism, but I think too often people take themselves too seriously. Having the ability to see your shortcomings through humor is a healthy way of recognizing your imperfections. This doesn't mean you should laugh off your inadequacies, I'm merely suggesting that taking a lighthearted, less critical approach might be more helpful.  Too often I find myself saying in therapy that the mistakes patients make are mistakes made by everyone.

Now certainly there are moments and experiences that aren't funny. I'm not suggesting to find the humor in tragedy or other serious issues. However, it can be and is helpful to laugh at things that are inconsequential at the end of the day. Find the balance.


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If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!