Ask someone about what makes a relationship strong, and you'll get responses that include trust, honesty, communication or a mix of all three. Trust is a requirement for a healthy relationship. But what happens when that trust is broken? Here are some tips to consider to rebuild the trust in your relationship,

Acknowledge the process will be difficult. Rebuilding trust is a complex and difficult task. Accept that there will be progress and setbacks, it will be time-consuming, and that the relationship may not survive. 
 
Reflect on how trust was broken. In order to fix something, you have to know why and how it broke. Every relationship is different, but usually there are signs of trouble in the relationship. 

What was each person's role? It takes two to tango. It's important to be accountable for your behavior, however, it's equally important to understand how the distrusting behavior came about. I've written more about this process in a post about infidelity. 

Express your pain and uncertainty. People aren't computers. You can't just reboot and wipe out a virus from your system. Share your feelings with the person. Acknowledge that there is pain, confusion, anger, and sadness. You have to purge your emotional world. 

Let go. Letting go is not about forgiving the other person, it's about forgiving yourself and moving forward. In order to move forward in a relationship, you have to come to peace with the past. Letting go can be difficult but it doesn't have to hold you back from happiness. 

Mutual recommitment. Both people have to recommit to the relationship. If there has been infidelity, all communication has to be severed with the person, all communication. You can't recommit when your mind and emotions are somewhere else. 

Communicate. Start from the basics. Seek counseling. If trust was violated, it almost always means the communication was lacking or artificial. Learn how to communicate respectfully and effectively. 

Express what you need from one another. Part of the recommitment process is being clear and direct about not only what was lacking, but also what each person needs moving forward. 

Set goals together. A therapist may be helpful here to provide balance and a realistic expectation. Setting goals together provides two things: 1) both people are on the same page about the direction of the relationship, 2) it's a healthy exercise of communication and connection, which was probably lacking in the relationship. 

Check in regularly. Again, weekly therapy sessions can be helpful here. Or set aside time each week to check in and reflect on progress, difficulties, or changes in the trust rebuilding process. Weekly discussions also keep you invested and mindful of your relationship. Another thing that was lacking that lead to the trust fissure. 

Praise and show gratitude. Praise one another for effort and positive growth, even if it's minuscule. Just like letting go, the process of praising can be beneficial not only for the other person, but also for you. 


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Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

Let's skip over the moral debate, just bypass that altogether. In fact, let's work from the perspective that pornography is just like any other activity or hobby. 

Pornography's accessibility is incredibly easy. Statistics show that the average age of exposure is 11, and the largest and fastest growing consumer of internet pornography are kids aged 12-17. That's alarming, especially considering this is the developmental period when kids learn about and experience relationships. 

There is a natural process of learning about romance: the innocence of sliding a note to someone, asking a friend to ask for you, actually saying "i like you." Pornography bypasses this maturation process and pushes people into a completely different world. Kids and even young adults aren't psychologically and neurologically mature, so pornographic content becomes a part of their maturation and personal belief system. 

A relationship is an emotional connection with another; pornography is a lonely attempt to satisfy your needs.
There is a must-watch TEDxGlasgow talk about how the brain is affected by pornography, I really recommend it. In that video, the presenter speaks about dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in the reward system. The reward system is linked to the prefrontal cortex, a brain area that develops well into a person's late 20s. Internet pornography gives you perceived satisfaction with the click of a button, something that is impossible in real life.

Imagine the idea that you could feel satisfied with one click of a button, you believed that satisfaction and happiness were that easy. That's an unrealistic goal and unrealistic goals can lead to relationship issues, personal disappointments, and psychological disorders.

In working with couples where one or both are addicted to porn, there are usually expressions of marital emptiness and dissatisfaction. Over 50% of divorces involve one or both persons having an obsessive interest in pornography. Pornography was sought to fill a void or provide novelty. In reality, it isolates and distances people. Part of the work is understanding the personal void and helping couples reconnect in a healthy, meaningful way. 

Individuals with an addiction to pornography talk about a chase of making a fleeting moment of satisfaction more permanent. It warps your mind and belief system much in the same way that Hollywood movies do. The work here involves increasing awareness that this is an unhealthy chase that can't be won, and permanent satisfaction is based in actual relationships, not internet content. 

Most assume that pornography addiction is almost exclusively a problem for boys and men. That's simply not the case as about 1/3 of the visitors to pornographic websites are women. So it's a problem that's faced by both boys and girls and men and women.

Pornography and other addictions can literally change the neural circuitry of your brain. It can alter your emotions and belief system. However, it's never too late to better and work on yourself. 


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It's something that always seems to come up in therapy when people are reflecting on current and past relationships. A relationship sours or ends and most people ask aloud, “Where there signs?” “What did I miss?” In my experience, there are almost always signs that the relationship is in trouble, sometimes even from the first weeks of the relationship.

In many cases, people quickly connect the dots and then feel embarrassed they weren't able to identify the signs earlier. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest when you are surrounded by trees. Therapy is helpful because it gives you distance and objectivity that are elusive while in the relationship.

I thought it might be helpful to list signs that may suggest your relationship is in trouble. Every relationship is different so the list may not apply to you. However, I have found the list below to be prevalent in troubled relationships.

There was never a “honeymoon” period. The “honeymoon” period is at least the first year of your relationship. If that first year was full of conflict and arguing, that's an ominous sign.

Children were conceived to fix the relationship. As a family and child psychologist, it pains me to hear a couple say they had kids to fix the relationship. I've never seen a relationship improve because a child has been added to the family. I've seen countless relationships further deteriorate when a newborn is thrown into the mix.

Your sex life is non-existent or a chore. Your sex life matters. Sex is as much an emotional act as it is a physical act. A non-existent sex life suggests there is a lack of intimacy, care, and trust in the relationship.

“We live different lives”. Maybe it's just about scheduling, but if you feel like you are living different lives, you probably also feel an emotional distance and void in your relationship.

You no longer spend time with friends. Yes, in some relationships you want to spend so much time with your significant other that friendships are sacrificed. However over the long-term, the healthiest relationships have a balance between spending time with each other and friends (separately and together).

Anger evolves into resentment. Anger happens in every relationship. It's normal and healthy. When anger becomes resentment, the angry feelings from an experience have now hardened into pain and hurt that threatens the foundation of the relationship.

Suspicion and jealousy is the norm. It's interesting to see one partner describe the other or themselves as “naturally” jealous. People aren't jealous naturally. Jealousy and suspicion arise when trust and openness are absent.

Reading this list with your partner would lead to conflict or more emotional distance. If you read this alone, pause for a moment and imagine what it would be like to read this with your partner. If you read this with your partner, it at least opens dialogue.


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If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. You can also follow me on twitter here. Thanks for your support!

According to Seligman, Steen & Peterman (2005), the secret to happiness isn’t money, adventure, or love; it’s expression of gratitude. If you want to read the study or view a creative summary and twist to the study, check out this Upworthy.com video by clicking here.

If you don’t want to read or watch, I’ll do a quick summary. Basically, it was found that people are happier when they express gratitude, and even happier if they are able to express gratitude directly to the person. The largest increases in happiness were found in those who initially reported the lowest levels of happiness.

This makes sense, right? Expressing gratitude means that you are polite, thoughtful, and respectful. Anyone would think these are characteristics of a well-adjusted, happy person. The catch is that there were people who initially expressed low levels of happiness, but their happiness increased significantly after expressing gratitude verbally and directly to another. Why?

Well, I think the answer lies in the process of expressing gratitude. One of my mentors always said, “It’s the process, not the content,” during our supervision sessions. It took me a while to understand what he meant, and I think it applies here (Thanks, Jeff). I’ll write about “the process” more in the coming weeks.

The process of expressing gratitude is powerful and intimate, more so than most people realize. It’s one thing to say “thanks”, it’s another thing to expound on that “thanks” and express how someone has really helped you as a person. Expressing gratitude opens your emotional world to another. That can make anyone feel vulnerable.

Why would someone feel vulnerable?

Two reasons why someone might feel vulnerable are: 1) the possibility of being hurt/exploited/criticized and 2) the possibility of actually emotionally connecting with another person in a healthy way. The latter is what happens with gratitude. When you express gratitude, you are saying, “I really appreciate you and the positive impact you have had on my life.” It may feel uncomfortable, but it feels good to make another person feel good, at least according to this study.

Why does any of this matter?

Well it matters quite a bit, certainly in therapy. My standard approach to working with a depressed individual is maintaining and increasing positive experiences (click here to read more about my approach). However, “positive experiences” are usually defined by actions that bring you joy: a hobby, lunch with a friend, something that makes you feel good. This study adds the twist of making someone else feel good by expressing gratitude. It will certainly add to my approach and hopefully yours.

If you are having a down day (or even a great day), express gratitude to someone. Test the idea out. See what it's like to send an email versus a phone call. If you're really brave, share your gratitude in person. You might be pleasantly surprised by how good it feels.

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If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!

Enabling is a term that has become more mainstream in the last decade or so, especially with the popularity of 12-step programs (and reality TV) for those with addiction issues. However, enabling behavior isn’t new, and it’s not limited to addiction.

What is that fine line between love and enabling? Love is however you define it. More than likely some part of that definition includes unconditional acceptance. The notion that you are loved exactly the way you are.

Enabling grows out of and is driven by love. Enabling is loving someone to the extent that you excuse and then assume their responsibilities. The more you take over their responsibilities, the more they depend on you. The cycle continues, around and around it goes.  

With addiction, the addict might be in excruciating pain and the only thing that will help is another fix. Out of love, they are given a few dollars for that one fix. The mind rationalizes the behavior in a number of ways, including that if they are given the money they’ll see that they are loved, or that it’s better to get the money from a loved one than to do something harmful or even criminal.  

With children, enabling might be in the form of eating. Your little one takes two bites of dinner, says they are full, and then comes back an hour later complaining of starvation. As a parent you don’t want your child to go hungry; at the same time, you don’t want to set the example that it’s okay to avoid dinner and finagle your way into a delicious dessert (preferably something with peanut butter).  

With teenagers, it could be allowing your teen to stay up late and then they don’t want to go to school because they feel tired. You think to yourself they do look really tired so maybe this one time. Even something this minor could be the start of a major case of enabling.

Seemingly healthy relationships aren’t immune to enabling. One person works a stressful job and then doesn’t take care of their responsibilities at home. The other compensates and takes over all of their responsibilities. You can see how this might become problematic over time.

Enabling happens with emotions as well. If you withhold your feelings because your partner doesn’t handle emotional conversations well, then you may be enabling their inability to connect and empathize with you and your needs. Resentment, confusion, and loneliness can grow and suddenly a relationship is in trouble.

You might be thinking sometimes you have to pick up the slack. People have bad days, weeks, even months. That’s absolutely correct. Sometimes it’s not enabling. It’s being there for the other person when they need extra support. A sign of enabling is if you find yourself taking over the other person’s responsibilities, things that have been discussed many times in the past. There are certain behaviors that a child/teen/adult should be able to do.

The other component, and a discussion for another time, is what is happening that you allow yourself to be the enabler. Is it that you are an amazingly compassionate person, or maybe it’s difficult to advocate for yourself and express troubling feelings to someone you love? Enabling is a two-person process. Both have a responsibility.

Identifying enabling behavior can be difficult, because the motivation is grounded in love. However, if you regularly ask yourself why someone continues to behave a certain way (especially if the behavior is harmful), it is worthwhile to look at each person’s responsibility in the behavior. Sometimes love is confronting the other on their issues or shortcomings, as long as the approach is fueled with compassion and sensitivity.


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If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!

In a relationship, how do you tell your partner hard things they don't want
to hear? 

-- Anonymous August 2013

So this question not only comes up in most therapy experiences, but also on a daily basis for most people. If someone is complaining or expressing frustration about a relationship, there is probably a conversation that hasn't been had, that needs to be had.

Relationships are work. Relationships are fun when things are going well. Maybe that’s why it’s difficult to have a conversation that may lead to a disagreement, argument, or even a breakup. At some level, there is fear and anxiety about what might happen if avoided issues are brought to attention. When a relationship seems to be going well, it takes a lot of courage to discuss an issue that may lead to conflict.

So how do you have a difficult conversation with a loved one? Here are a few things to consider.

Imagine your partner’s emotional reaction. Recognize why you feel the conversation will be difficult. Try to imagine how your partner might react. If you think they will respond with anger and defensiveness, then try to start the conversation by saying you are not trying to cause hurt or anger (or any negative emotion). If your partner expresses hurt or anger, then apologize and repeat that your intent is not to hurt but to better a situation.

Emphasize care and concern. Clarify that you are bringing this issue to attention because you care about the other person, and how certain actions impact your partner and you. Reiterate that you are initiating this conversation out of care and love, and that the conversation is needed for change; change that would benefit your partner and the relationship.

Find a moment of empathy. Recognize how you feel. Then find an experience where your partner felt the same way. Make a connection between the two. Let’s say you are frustrated by your partner’s pattern of starting but not finishing a task. With that, let’s say your kids have a tendency to not put their toys away after playing and it’s very frustrating for your partner. Then you could say, “You know how you feel when the kids leave a mess of toys, that’s how I feel when you start something and then don’t finish it.” Connecting an emotion with your message increases the impact of your message.

Context and comfort. Understand your partner. If your partner prefers to talk privately, then have a private conversation. If they are more comfortable knowing ahead of time that a serious conversation is needed, then give them a heads up. Providing a familiar environment is a great way to give your partner a sense of control and to show that you are attune to their feelings.

I usually do not recommend this, but if they are more comfortable communicating via email, then try initiating the conversation via email. Again, I don’t recommend having an email conversation instead of a face-to-face conversation, but for some it’s an easier, more comfortable way to express thoughts and absorb information. You have a better chance of a productive conversation if both people are in a relaxed mindset.

Praise. Lastly, appreciate your partner for being open to a difficult conversation. Even if an issue isn't resolved, praising your partner's effort of being attentive and listening to your feelings will make future conversations smoother and hopefully productive. A simple “thanks for listening” can go a long way.

Although scary, these are the type of conversations that can strengthen your relationship. Openness about one’s feelings in a relationship sets clear and healthy boundaries for you and your partner. You can read more about boundaries here.

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When it comes to parenting, I certainly do not have all the answers, but I've learned a few things I wish I knew when expecting our first child. Most everyone congratulates you and says, “You’ll love it!” I had one friend that gave it to me straight, “It’s awesome and amazing, but being a parent is the most challenging thing you’ll ever do.” That conversation helped immensely. Let’s get on with the tips:

1) Read books if you want, but they won’t fully prepare you to be a parent. Go ahead and read books, it’ll help with the anxiety. When it comes down to it, something from within you comes out (no, not the baby) and your natural parenting skills kick in. Books prepare you intellectually, but the parenting experience is a largely emotional one.

2) You are entering the most rewarding and challenging job you’ll ever have. It’s that simple, within minutes you can go from tears of joy to tears of frustration. Parents who previously considered themselves unemotional find themselves wiping away tears when asked about the birth of their child. For the challenging moments, take a step back, get perspective, and get back in there.

3) Accept that you’re going to make mistakes, a lot of mistakes. Parenting definitely fits the “learn on the job” description. No parent is perfect. When you make a mistake, learn from it. When you make that same mistake for the hundredth time, keep learning.

4) The first few months are a blur, just survive and advance. For sports fans, I compare the first few months to March Madness. It doesn't matter if you win by 1 or 30; just make it to the next day. Keep advancing. If you are fortunate enough to have a child that sleeps through the night just weeks after birth, just be happy. Most parents experience sleep deprivation the first few months. It’s part of the game.

You will hear the funniest stories from the first few months. In our case, one morning the alarm went off and I cradled the alarm clock like a baby. My wife appropriately asked what I was doing and I responded with, “Ssshhhh, I think she’ll go back to sleep.”

5) Sleep when your little one sleeps. I can’t emphasize this enough. Your sleep pattern will already be screwy. If you are sleep deprived and your little one takes a nap, take a nap as well. Yes, there are things to do around the house. You will have to decide what's more important, sleep or household chores.

6) Taking a break from your infant doesn’t make you a bad parent. It’s okay to take a break; everyone needs a little time for themselves. As a matter of fact, if you acknowledge that you might need a break, it will make you a better parent in the long run.

7) Welcome help and support from family and friends with open arms. Don’t be a hero. If someone offers to cook a meal or clean the house, take them up on it if you feel you need the support. If family/friends offer to change a diaper, get them to sign a written contract. Then present it to them if they say they were only joking when the time comes for a diaper change. Having legal counsel present at that moment is optional.

8) You’re going to be one of those parents that put up pictures of your baby on facebook all the time. We all do it. Your kid is undoubtedly the cutest baby to ever wear a onesie with a funny message.

9) It’s okay if your child doesn’t eat, they’ll eat later. The baby’s weight will be the focus of many conversations. Just like adults, babies will tell you when they are hungry. It’s okay if he hasn’t fed for a couple of hours, he won’t shrink.

10) Comparisons to other babies are inevitable. Almost all conversations with other parents will start with two questions: 1) What is your baby’s name? 2) How many weeks/months old is he? You will then privately compare your baby to the other. This will happen for about a year, maybe thirty. Try to let that go; all kids mature at their own pace.

11) Once you have a rhythm and schedule, something will happen that will flip your schedule upside down. Just accept it. Learn to go with the flow or your head will explode.

As usual, feel free to share via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments welcomed and thanks for reading!

Unfortunately it happens all the time: infidelity in relationships. No one enters a relationship with the intention to be unfaithful. So why do people cheat?

There is plenty of evidence that we are hardwired to stray, that the human species like most others is not naturally monogamous. With that said, let’s shelf the biology and focus on the psychology. In working with couples who have experienced infidelity, there usually is a process of deterioration in the relationship that culminates in cheating by one or both partners. Let’s take a closer look at that process:

Emotional dishonesty.  Emotional dishonesty is not being open with your partner about your feelings. If something is upsetting, then it is your responsibility (to yourself, partner, and relationship) to share your feelings. When you keep feelings to yourself, your partner will continue to be in the dark about how you feel, and an opportunity to be heard, validated, and comforted is lost.

Relational distance.  With enough emotional dishonesty, comes emotional distance. If you feel you can’t talk to your partner about your emotions, the distance between you and your partner will grow. The more you withhold your feelings, the more likely you are to feel confused, resentful, and alone.

This distance is exacerbated when the response to shared feelings is dismissive, critical, or lacking empathy. In session, couples regularly talk about how a major issue in their relationship is the mutual inability to accept how each other feel. The result is one or both individuals feel unheard, uncared for, and unloved.  

Sense of void.  Once the distance is large enough, it becomes a void. This usually occurs after months or years of relational dysfunction, and it’s one of the most challenging parts of couples therapy. Usually this void is accompanied by sadness, anger, and hopelessness. The individual shifts to self-preservation mode, fully believing that they are alone in the relationship.

Novel excitation.  Emotions are stirred by someone outside of the relationship. Happiness, excitement, and positive emotions are experienced that have been long absent in the current relationship. The "new" person highlights what is lacking in the current relationship. Usually those who are unfaithful describe the encounter as fulfilling what was perceived to be missing in life.

I’m guessing most have picked up on (maybe ad nauseam) of how emotions were mentioned in almost every sentence. That was for a reason. Emotions are the foundation of any relationship. I've never had a couple come into my office and say they are as happy as ever, but are having problems and need couples therapy.

Some may read this post and think I am condoning cheating. My aim here was to provide perspective on why someone might stray from a relationship. I will say that whenever a couple talks about infidelity, a part of therapy (with me, at least) is exploring the role each person played. The goal is for each person to better understand how each impacts the other.

Lastly, it’s important to check in with your partner regularly about your relationship. Don’t wait until it’s too late.  


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

In last week’s Part I post, I presented a parallel between Newton’s first law of physics and interpersonal relationships: the idea that each social interaction has an impact on our emotional state, and how the emotional impact is a product of the person and the content/delivery of the message. If you missed last week’s post, you can read it HERE.  

In this week’s post, let’s focus on what happens after the emotional impact. That is, what you are thinking and feeling after an emotional experience. The emotional aftermath is usually lost on what happened to cause the aftermath. So think about what happens to you after your parent/boss expresses disappointment in your performance, or when your spouse/family member praises you, or when your favorite TV show is cancelled?

There is no right or wrong answer to any or all of these questions. They may seem rhetorical but it’s worth asking yourself, “How do I feel?” after a situation. It doesn’t have to be a traumatic or highly emotional experience, it can be any experience. Sometimes I encourage patients to emotionally “check-in” with themselves at random times during the day. Why do this?

Good question, well for a few reasons:

1)  You will actually learn about your emotional world. 
     What impacts you, how, and for how long.

2)  Recognizing and identifying your emotions will help in 
    understanding and empathizing with others’ emotions. 
    It’s difficult to empathize or even emotionally connect 
    with others if your own emotional world is unclear.

3)  Introspective questions (e.g., How do I feel?)                    increase self-awareness and help you gain personal          insight. This comes in very handy, especially in              relationships.

4)  Sometimes asking yourself a simple question like     
     “How do I feel?” or “What just happened?” can slow 
     things enough to calm yourself and keep your 
     composure in a stressful situation. Think of how 
     many times you've reacted in a situation and then 
     reflected and wished you had a moment to think 
     before doing or saying what you did.

Gaining insight and awareness into how experiences influence your emotions will allow you to better prepare for similar situations that arise in the future. For example, if you get defensive or flustered during stressful situations, you can practice relaxation techniques when you are entering a stressful period of your life. Increasing self-awareness will allow for you to manage your feelings in a healthy, pro-social manner. So if you are aware that you are feeling defensive or flustered, then you could utilize a strategy that helps you return to a more relaxed, calm state.

How an experience affects you is as important as the experience itself. Everyone is busy, but I encourage you to take time during the day and reflect on the high, low, and average experiences of your day. Tap in to your emotional world; you’ll be glad you did.

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Isaac Newton’s first law states an object is at rest or moves at a constant velocity unless acted upon by a force. The images that come to mind are probably two objects that act toward or upon one another: a baseball and a bat, two cars colliding, swirling your drink with a straw. Here, I’ll lay out how several aspects of the law of motion also apply to interpersonal relationships. 

A relationship is fluid. It evolves, shifts, and changes based on the interactions of the individuals. Relationships can vacillate from strong and sound to weak and tenuous as a result of the actions of one or both individuals. Newton theorized outside factors can impact the relationship between two objects; the same applies to relationships between people.

Thinking about the bat hitting the ball, there are two factors regarding the impact (Force): specifically the size of the bat (mass) and the speed at which the bat is swung (acceleration). Hopefully the F = ma equation came to mind (thanks, Dad). Now applying that equation to a relationship, think of the F as the emotional impact, the m as the person, and the a as the content and delivery of a feeling. The Emotional Impact is the product of a Person and the Feeling Delivered by that person. Emotions are certainly much more complicated than these two variables, but for now let’s keep it simple. I’ll discuss other factors in future posts.

For an illustration of m (the person), think about how you would feel if a loved one praised you compared to someone you had just met. More than likely, the praise from the loved one will have a larger emotional impact. How strongly you feel something is linked to who is delivering the message. In many instances, two different people give the same advice, but you might listen to one and dismiss the other. Why is that? Reflect on that question. Parents are driven batty by teens who ignore a parental suggestion and then respond “Great idea!”, when a friend makes the same suggestion.

As for the delivery and content of the message, a, the analogy I always use is your birthday and receiving a present. If someone presents a nicely wrapped gift with a “happy birthday!”, your experience is going to be different than someone giving you the same gift wrapped in a plastic bag with a “here”. The difference is clear, but it’s not always clear in relationships. In therapy, especially couples and family therapy, a constant theme is how to gift wrap feelings, both negative and positive. Just because the feeling is anger, sadness, or frustration doesn't mean it has to be expressed in a hurtful way.

Newton’s first law of motion focuses on being acted upon; the second part is how the object is affected by the act. I’ll touch on the second part here, and say more in next week’s post.

In relationships, this second stage is largely ignored in everyday life and consequently is a significant part of therapy. How do you respond after an emotionally-charged experience? People are more focused on what happened than on what happened after. Part of a relationship is increasing your emotional awareness. 

A complexity arises as an experience in one relationship can impact (positively or negatively) how you perceive and engage in other relationships. This is very evident in couples and family therapy where you have multiple individuals acting upon one another. I’ll write more about this later, but for now think about the solar system and what would happen if one planet suddenly shifted.

This is what makes relationships fluid and why laws and principles can’t completely capture relationships like it can with the sciences and math. Maybe it was serendipity, but Newton was on to something in regards to interpersonal relationships. Ironically, some psychologists argue that Newton would have been diagnosed with Asperger’s disorder in present day.

As usual, feel free to share. Part II, next week!