It's a topic that many don't want to talk about but it's a problem here and across the globe. I keep not wanting to write about this, but time and time again I am reminded that it is needed. About 10% of children are sexually abused (National Center for Victims of Crime). That number breaks down to approximately 20% of girls and 5% of boys. Approximately 60% of victims are abused by someone in their social circle.

What Do I Do? 

Remain calm. Yes, it is easier said than done, but it's very important to try to remain calm because it helps your child remain calm.

Find a safe place to talk. Children are usually confused, scared, and anxious. Provide a comfortable environment. 

Listen to your child. Your child may have difficulty putting their experience into words. That's okay, just listen.

Seek medical attention. Seek medical attention if appropriate. Sometimes there can be internal injuries that aren't visible. Ask if their body hurts and where. 

Stay connected. Your child needs you the day they talk and the days and weeks following. Observe your child and look for signs that they are having difficulty coping. Children who have been abused often isolate themselves, are vigilant, use inappropriate sexual language, are easily upset, and can experience separation anxiety. 

Praise your child. Praise them for their bravery to speak up. Praise them for their honesty. 

Seek outside support. If you feel it is necessary, seek outside support to help your child cope. 

What Not To Do

Do not confront the alleged perpetrator with the victim. Almost everyone experiences the thought of confronting the perpetrator. Do not do that with the victim. 

Do not ignore what happened. Don't sweep it under the rug. Don't "protect the family" or the "reputation" of the alleged perpetrator. 

When you ignore what happened (even if you have doubts), then you are condoning the actions of the perpetrator and disbelieving the victim. I've had many people share that they feel this way, and that can cause irreparable psychological damage.

Do not blame your child, directly or indirectly. Many kids feel like they made a mistake, or did something bad. Make sure your child knows that they aren't to blame and that the other person needs help. 

Child abuse (any type) is a challenging and heartbreaking situation. However, research shows the most important thing you can do for a child is provide a loving and supportive environment. If your child knows you are on their side and you believe and love them, that can be all the child needs to recover and even thrive. 


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Parents have described this scenario as their "worst nightmare." They aren't specifically referring to their child's mental illness. They are speaking to the helplessness they feel, to take their child's pain away. 

In my 10 years of working with families, parents are getting better. They are acknowledging their child's mental health issue and actively taking steps to meet the challenge head on. Before we get to the suggestions, let's review a few signs of childhood mental illness.

Warning Signs of Childhood Mental Illness

Mood change. A shift in your child's mood that has lasted more than a few weeks and causes problems in relationships at home and school. 

Behavior shift. Sudden changes in behavior, including dangerous and aggressive behavior, that causes problems in relationships at school or home. 

Academic problems. Your child's academic performance has dropped sharply in the last year or even months.

Sleep. Your child sleeps significantly more or less than usual or has difficulty falling asleep. 

Isolation. You don't hear about friends anymore. Your child spends most of the day in the bedroom and is no longer interested in hobbies or activities. 

Substance abuse. Yes, drug and alcohol use is far too common. No, that doesn't make it okay or healthy. You may think it's just "teens being teens" but it might be more than that. 

Tips To Consider If You Suspect Your Child May Have A Mental Illness

Consult your pediatrician. Not all pediatricians are well-versed in mental health issues but they can rule out medical issues. Sometimes a medical condition can present or lead to mental health issues. 

Seek out professional psychological help. Usually your pediatrician can help with a referral. Google is also your friend. Search your local area for child psychologists and other mental health professionals. 

Be patient. It's hard seeing your child struggle, and not having the answers. With that said, be patient. Find the right professional(s) for your child and your family. 

Stay engaged. Sometimes it's easier to distance yourself from the issue. Stay committed and active. Participate in appointments and discussions. You know your child better than any doctor. I always encourage parents to share their thoughts and questions. It's invaluable.

Don't blame your child. Maybe this should be the first tip, because it's probably the most important. Be supportive. Your child is already feeling a number of emotions, no need to add guilt and shame. 

Keep the communication lines open. Make sure your child knows they can talk about their feelings. Sometimes kids can feel ashamed and confused. It's important to try to keep communicating, even if only to listen. 

It's a process. Mental health is messy. There isn't a clear cut cure for anxiety or depression. Each person is different and with that comes a unique treatment plan. Recognize that treatment is a process. 

Find support for you. It's stressful and scary. It's also common to feel isolated and alone. Lean on family, clergy, friends, and even other families who are going through the same experience. You might be surprised (pleasantly in an odd way) by the support groups and helpful programs that are located close to you.


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As a child psychologist, I have worked closely with not only families, but also the schools. With these professional experiences (paired with my personal experiences), it has become abundantly clear that the best schools have the most active, engaged parents. 

I'm not suggesting that teachers, school staff, and other support staff are unimportant. They obviously are and will always be important. I'm suggesting that the best schools have parents helping in diverse and meaningful ways. There seems to be an underlying belief that the parental role is limited to making sure your child is punctual, homework is complete, and permissions slips are signed. Parents can and should do so much more. 

Yes, there are the basics: PTA meetings, parent-teacher conferences, and open houses. The basics, as in each parent should already be attending these events. Participation in these activities doesn't constitute getting "involved". Complaining without constructive suggestions and personal investment isn't getting involved. So if you have a problem and have no intention of removing your child from the school, bring a solution with your issue. 

How To Get More Involved

I know, every parent is busy. Everyone is busy to an extent. I'm not suggesting to volunteer 4 hours a week, or even 4 hours a month. Even 1 hour per month can make an impact.

Contact the school with your idea(s). Start with contacting the school with your ideas and how you can help. Again, if you have ideas, suggestions, or criticisms, be sure to include how you can be a part of the solution. In my experience, schools are always open to parents' suggestions. The deflating part is when the conversation begins and ends with the idea. 

Inquire on what the school needs. New computers, improved security, keeping the school grounds clean. Sometimes it's just being available during recess. Usually a school has a "wish-list". Ask about their aspirations and determine if you can help.

Be realistic. You don't have to develop a new academic standard or spend all week volunteering. Determine how much time you can give and plan accordingly. You'd be amazed by how many kids value even a 5-minute interaction, even if it's a chat about the weather. 

Be consistent. This is true in life, but certainly true if you are working with kids. There is always excitement at the beginning of a project, and sometimes frustration builds when you hit a road block. Stay consistent. If you say you're coming the first Monday of the month from 9:30-10:00am to help with snack time, then do it.

Put away your pride. If you are an artist and can help with the art program, then awesome. If you are a professional and the school needs someone to manage snack time, then do it. There is no shame in helping a school improve, regardless of the task. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your personal aspirations for the good of the school.

You Are Helping Your Kid, Even If They Don't See You

We depend on schools to foster academic achievement in our kids. Sometimes we mistakenly ask them to take the lead to foster emotional and social development as well. That's not their job, it's the parents job to lay the emotional and social foundation of our kids. The school provides emotional and social opportunities. 

By being more active in their school, you are teaching your kids to be engaged in the community, the spirit of volunteering, and that you are invested in their school experience. Your school involvement can boost your child's self-esteem, self-confidence, and the parent-child relationship. 

So do you want your child to attend a great school? It starts with you. 


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Earlier this week, I was invited to speak to a group of high school juniors about my process of becoming a clinical psychologist and the field in general. I thought it might be helpful for others, so here's a summary: 

Simply put, psychology is the study of the mind and behavior. While working at a summer basketball camp in high school, I was struck by how the kids' self-esteem and mood were impacted by their performance on the court. As they honed their skills and played better, their self-esteem increased and they were happier. On the flip side, kids who played poorly shrugged their shoulders, made poor eye contact, and became quiet and somber. I remember thinking I'm not sure what I wanted to do in life but I wanted to work with kids.

In college I was thinking about becoming a pediatrician. Had this plan into my sophomore year and then I took a child psychology course taught by Robert Wahler. An 8AM class that met 3 times a week. I attended every class, and that was meaningful to me. After that class, I knew. I change my major to psychology. (Sidebar: College students change their major at least three times on average according to the National Center for Education Statistics). I wanted to be a clinical psychologist.

After deciding on a career as a clinical psychologist, I gained experience to be certain I knew what I was getting into. I encourage all students to do the same. It's one thing to read about concepts such as depression and psychosis, it's a completely different experience to actually see it. Get hands on experience, regardless of your career path. It's the best way to know if you truly are passionate about something. 

Even after deciding on clinical psychology as a career, I sought more experience to determine if I wanted to work in a clinical, research, or academic setting. Maybe all? A combination of two? I believe that is where some identity issues occur for students. A student decides on a major, maybe even a career. It feels like things are settled; in reality, the process has only just begun. Take your time, it's a process. 

I wanted a career that was challenging, innovative, and beneficial to society. Don't we all? For me, that was the draw to clinical psychology. In a society, where only 30% of people feel engaged and inspired about their work, I consider myself lucky and blessed. I get to be curious with people about their lives, and in the process I meet some extraordinary people along the way. 

So have goals and direction, but it's okay (and completely normal, statistically speaking) to change your mind once or even a few times. Find something that has meaning to you. Even if it means an extra semester (or two or three), in the long run it will be worth it to your mental health and life satisfaction. 


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. You can also follow me on twitter here. Thanks for your support!