Last week's post focused more on the psychology and origins of anger. Two of the central points from that post were 1) recognize that usually where there is anger, there was sadness and 2) your body sends signals that you are angry, but are you aware?

How to control your anger

Before reading further, go back and read last week's post if you haven't (linked above). It's important to be aware of the body signals that suggest you are angry. Take a moment and think about your body's reactions to anger, what thoughts come to mind when angry, and how anger impacts how you relate to others. Without that knowledge it will be even more difficult to manage your anger. 

Anger management tips

Take a step back. When overwhelmed with anger, your decision-making skills are compromised. Remove yourself from the environment and regroup.

Relaxation techniques. This is a funny one as everyone knows they should relax. The problem is many people go through the techniques in a hurried manner. So counting to 10 won't be effective if it is a 5 second process. Same with deep breathing. Slow down the process. Count slowly, breathe slowly, move slowly. The slowness will calm your mind and body. 

Make healthy choices. If something or someone makes you angry and you can avoid it, then avoid it. What's it say about you if you keep putting yourself in negative situations when you don't have to?

Maintain healthy boundaries. It seems like a common conversation topic for many is complaining about others. Maintain healthy boundaries with individuals that tend to be the root of your anger. If you limit your availability, you'll limit anger. 

Think solutions. A component of anger is feeling helpless to change the situation. Be thoughtful. Is there something you can do to correct the problem? For example, if you are late for work every morning, try completing some of your morning tasks before you go to bed. 

Humor. If you know me, you know this is one of my favorites. This doesn't mean make fun of others or to be sarcastic, but if you can inject humor into an angry moment, it can really lighten the mood. Research has found that laughter reduces the release of stress hormones and increases the release of endorphins (feel-good hormones). 

Let go and forgive. Ask yourself, what purpose is my anger serving? It certainly can be a way to communicate your disapproval or hurt, but at some point the anger has more of an impact on you than the other person. Letting go and forgiving doesn't mean you are weak or submissive, it means you value your well-being. 

Get the anger out. Talk to a friend, write in a journal, exercise. Find activities that you enjoy and that are stress relievers. Do NOT punch a pillow. Research shows that punching a pillow actually increases rumination and aggression. Not what you want.


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Everyone gets angry. I've written previously about the psychology of grudges, aggression in kids, and other topics related to anger. Anger plays a large role in daily life, and sometimes it's uncontrollable. Before we delve into how to control anger, let's briefly talk about the origins of anger. 

Before anger, there was sadness

In my clinical experience, anger is almost always a secondary emotion. The primary emotion is the feeling of sadness or hurt. For some this may seem counter intuitive or flat-out wrong, but consider depression, especially in men. One of the criteria for a diagnosis of depression can be irritability. For kids, depression can be masked by acting out in an hostile or angry manner. The image of a depressed person is usually someone sitting alone and crying. However, depression can present in an aggressive manner, such as yelling or fighting. 

In my post, The Psychology of an Extremist, I lay out the idea that before we see the rage, there is a pattern of sadness (e.g., rejection, isolation, alienation, worthlessness). The same applies to moments of uncontrollable anger. 

How to understand your anger

Get to the real source of your anger. You might be wondering why I'm talking about sadness in a post about anger. There is a reason. In order to control your anger, you first have to figure out why you are angry. If your friend is late for dinner, are you angry that your friend is late or are you hurt that your friend doesn't value your time and that is what makes you angry?

Listen to your body. I wrote a general piece about how your body is constantly sending your mind feedback about your emotional state. For anger, reflect and be thoughtful about what is happening with your body when you are feeling angry. Are you shaking, sweating? Is your heart pounding, hands balled in a fist, jaw clenched?

Get in your head. Be aware of what you are thinking. Are you having thoughts of hurting someone, yourself? Are you fantasizing about yelling or other aggressive acts? When experiencing uncontrollable anger, you are probably experiencing thoughts that are out of your character. Along the lines of depression, it's common for angry feelings to turn into self-deprecating thoughts of inadequacy and worthlessness.

How to control your anger

In the next post, I'm going to write more about strategies to utilize to manage and control your anger. Some techniques will work for you while others will not. Like anything, you have to try something to determine if it is right for you.


If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!

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In an article that was recently featured on CNN.com, cancer expert Dr. Otis Brawley links cancer to lifestyle choices. The gist of the article is the global rate of cancer is increasing, even though the rate of cancer in the U.S. and Western Europe has decreased 20% over the last two decades. 

Although Dr. Crawley never uses the term "mental health", his discussion of cancer risk factors (i.e., obesity, smoking, sedentary lifestyle, and poor nutrition) are all related to mental health. You can argue a component of obesity is genetic; however, smoking, physical inactivity, and poor eating habits are about personal choice. Personal choice even plays a significant part in obesity. 

Personal choice and mental health

Our decision-making, appetite, and energy level are influenced by our mental health. When depressed, energy levels decrease, inactivity increases, and decision-making abilities are compromised. Anxiety also affects our thinking and ability to make healthy choices. Research has repeatedly shown a link between cancer and alcohol (Kushi, Doyle, McCullough et al., 2012) and smoking (American Cancer Society, 2014) which are both related to depression and anxiety. (Read more about my thoughts on anxiety and smoking and alcohol.)

To further highlight the role of mental health in cancer rates, let's review smoking prevalence and cancer in America. As stated in the article, rates of cancer continue to decrease over the last 20 years. Interestingly, the smoking prevalence rate has decreased by almost 50% in the last 30 years from about 33% of adults in 1980 to under 20% in 2010. As for the rest of the world, the smoking rate is increasing as is the cancer rate.

Similar trends are found with obesity, inactivity, and poor diet with specific cancers. Poor diet, inactivity, and obesity are related to an uptrend in less publicized cancers such as esophageal and endometrial (uterine lining) and linked to more well-known cancers such as breast and colon. 

Dr. Crawley presents a simple, concise framework of cancer and how to decrease your risk. We would all be wise to take his advice as we call can improve our lives in some capacity. I tried to emphasize how mental health plays a prominent, underlying role in our daily choices and medical health. 


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I want to expand on "The Biggest Complaint From Kids About Their Parents Is..." post from a couple weeks ago by briefly describing 10 ways to make sure that your kid will hate you. The title is partially in jest but the reasoning behind this post is serious. When kids express to me anger about their parents, it's common for them to talk about some or all of the items below:

Dismiss their feelings. The rationale here is covered by the "The Biggest Complaint From Kids..." post linked above. 

Correct their feelings. It's one thing for a parent to ignore and brush off a kid's feelings, it's an entirely different to tell them what they are feeling is wrong. A feeling may be misdirected, based on inaccurate information, or expressed in an unhealthy manner, but it's not wrong. It's a feeling.

Hypocrisy. Kids, especially teenagers, have a sharp radar for hypocrisy. Be fair and straightforward. Whatever you do, limit statements like, "Do as I say, not as I do." You can sometimes pull that type of cliche on younger kids, teens will eat you up alive. 

Always playing the parent card. Key word here is "always". Sometimes it is completely appropriate and healthy to play the parent card. Do it too much, and a couple of things happen: 1) kids lose respect for you because your decisions are based on what other parents do and 2) kids won't talk to you about serious things because they feel the parent card will be used at any time.  
Choose their hobbies and activities for them. Yes, sports may have taught you about life. That doesn't mean it will do the same for your child. Let them discover what they are passionate about. You can introduce them to things you liked, but recognize the difference in your aspirations and theirs. 

Inconsistent parenting. I repeat this tip again and again because of its importance. Different parenting styles aren't complementary, they are confusing and annoying. The analogy I use for adults is imagine having two bosses where one says you have to be in the office on Fridays and the other says work from home on Fridays. That feeling you feel right now is how kids feel when they get different messages from parents. 
 
Talking in front of your kids like they are invisible. Nothing is more belittling than someone talking about you to others in your presence. Nothing is more irritating than someone talk about you to others in your presence. No different for kids. 

Focusing on the negative. It's important to help kids understand where they made a mistake and reflect on how to do something differently next time. However, no one wants to be around someone who is always focusing on the negative. If you are focusing on the negative, don't be surprised when your kids head straight to their bedroom once they enter the house. Don't be surprised when they focus on the negative, too. 

Judging their friends. As kids get older, their peer group becomes a bigger part of their identity and self-esteem. Criticizing your kid's friends is like criticizing your child. This doesn't mean their friends are off-limits, just be careful in how you present your feedback. 

Stop caring (and loving). At first I was surprised when I heard kids complain about their parents letting them do whatever they want. However, what they said next was always the same. Kids felt that when parents stopped caring, they stopped loving. Even for kids who fight with their parents constantly, the loss of feeling loved can have devastating consequences. 

I wrote this post for parents but I hope everyone reading can see how these items can lead to problems in any type of relationship, not just the parent-child relationship. At least as an adult you usually have the option of ending the relationship or at least limiting time spent with that person. 


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I'm pretty fortunate that I get to work with people of all age ranges, especially kids. It allows me to stay young, be silly, and get the latest updates on all things young people. I also get the opportunity to revisit my own childhood (for example, a young man was recently telling me about Scouts and the Pinewood Derby).

However, in the past couple of weeks I've had some experiences that make me feel like an adult. No, not the discovery of gray hairs (happened 10 years ago, for the record) or groaning as I stand from a sofa. It was passing on pizza at a couple of gatherings. I thought to myself that I would have never rejected pizza a few years ago, what's happening to me? Then I felt it in the pit of my stomach, I might be entering adulthood. So if you can relate to any of the symptoms below, schedule an appointment with your local life insurance provider and talk options.

1. Passing on a favorite food that you genuinely believed as a child you could have for every meal for the rest of your life. Beware, this will shatter your world.

2. You no longer consider candy a food group. Remember when you were a kid and you promised yourself that you would eat as much candy as you wanted when you are an adult? What happened to the dedication?

3. If you do eat that candy bar or pizza, you think about what it's doing to your body and how long it's going to take to burn off the calories. If you aren't thinking about it, maybe you should. (See, the adult in me is talking again.)

4. You think someone's TV or music is too loud. I remember watching TV with my dad as a kid. If he was watching something he would ask for the volume to be increased. When I switched the channel, he would ask to turn the volume down as the TV was too loud.

5. It's impossible to keep up with the newest and even outdated social media. You're happy, feeling confident about your facebook knowledge. Then a young person not only mentions a social media platform you have never heard of, but they also laugh when you ask them if people their age use facebook.

6. You use the term “young person”.

7. You look forward to going to sleep early, like 8pm early. For parents, you are more than content to fall asleep with your kids.

8. You haven't made a friend in months, maybe years. You are still meeting people, and some are very interesting. However, you are more acquaintances than friends. Subconsciously you are terrified they are going to ask you to become flexible on your 9pm bedtime.


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. You can also follow me on twitter here. Thanks for your support!