It's that time of year. People get excited because the new year symbolizes new beginnings and fresh starts. With that you have the New Year Resolution. A number of surveys show that the success rate of New Year Resolutions is around 10%. Here are some tips to increase your chances.

1) Why this resolution? It's important that your resolution has personal meaning. If you choose a goal because other people or society have suggested it, chances are you won't stick to it. The toughest clients to work with in therapy are those who are ordered to therapy or come to make someone else happy.

2) Be realistic. Set realistic goals. It's one thing to want to lose weight or quit smoking, it's another thing to set a goal of losing 5 pounds a week or stop smoking cold turkey. Do some research on your goal and get educated on what is realistic for you.

3) Pace yourself. I have a friend who stays away from the gym all of January. His reason is “because all of the New Year Resolution people will have quit by then so it's less crowded.” Most people exhaust all of their energy and motivation in the first few weeks. Slow down and keep a steady pace. You can't start a marathon off by sprinting.

4) Set yourself up for success. Give yourself a chance at success and create a plan or schedule before the New Year. You know you better than anyone so figure out what's going to help you be successful. Should you do it alone or have a partner? Keep a written journal, progress chart? Break your big goal into smaller ones?

5) Stay focused. I'm not necessarily talking about staying focused on your goal. I'm speaking more to focusing in on one, maybe two goals. Many people spread themselves thing by setting too many goals. The goals may be great, but your chances of success increase if you focus on one or two goals versus five or six.

6) Remember a setback doesn't mean failure. You gain a pound, break one of your rules, or do something that is the exact opposite of your goal. Big deal. No one is perfect and each time you have a failure is an opportunity to better yourself. Nothing is black and white. If you have a bad day, week, or month, there is always another day, week, or month where you can turn it around.

7) Reward yourself. Everyone needs rewards. Whether it's a vacation or a small treat, set up rewards for making progress or reaching goals. A reward can serve as that extra motivation to get you through a tough moment. 

Good luck and Happy New Year!


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By now you've all heard or read about the tragedy. A 16-year-old, Ethan Couch, killed 4 citizens (including 3 good Samaritans) and injured others, all while intoxicated on drugs and alcohol. He was sentenced to 10 years probation with probably 1-2 years in a rehabilitation facility.

As a human being, I am saddened and angered by this case. As a psychologist, I am terrified. The saddest part is there were many instances where Ethan wanted help and even showed he needed it. Passed out drunk in a truck at age 15 with a naked 14 year-old girl. Police find him, no consequences. Documented history of passive and criminal parenting. No documentation of parenting classes. Who knows what happened in that home, it certainly wasn't healthy.

Before saying more about Ethan, let's address a couple of things about the consulting psychologist and “affluenza.” Affluenza is a fabricated psychological disorder (does not exist now nor ever in the diagnostic manual) that was allowed to be used as part of the defense. This is bizarre to me, I don't know how a judge would allow a pseudo-clinical term to impact a decision. I'm embarrassed that a psychologist, Gary D. Miller, used psychobabble in his explanation. However, a part of me gives Dr. Miller the benefit of the doubt and hope it was taken out of context.

In a recent interview, Dr. Miller said people are focusing too much on the “affluenza” diagnosis (I feel dirty typing that). The focus should be on the clinical terminology. I've worked a few court cases, and in almost every case, lawyers and judges only focus on the last page of the assessment which often includes the diagnosis and clinical recommendations. So clinical terms matter. Dr. Miller also suggested Ethan behaved more like a 12-year-old. Problem is 12-year-olds know right from wrong. My kids have a sense of right and wrong and they aren't even in elementary school. Again, I hope some of this information was taken out of context.

So why am I terrified?

There were a number of warning signs that were ignored. The parents had years, the police had chances, and now this judge had a chance. All of them failed. In a previous post (here), I laid out how it's natural for kids to have sociopathic tendencies. It is part of the developmental process. The other part of the process is helping kids cultivate care, empathy, and awareness. His sociopathic tendencies weren't extinguished, they were validated. Each time an adult passively allowed Ethan to commit illegal acts without consequence, Ethan received the message that not only was his behavior not wrong, it was right. He was essentially praised for bad decisions.

Now, he has ended 4 lives and destroyed families. The judge, Jean Hudson Boyd, had a chance. Judge Boyd could have set a limit, she could have said what you did was unacceptable in our civilized society. Instead, she validated murder. She validated a code that money and power are more important than humanity and life. She has confirmed Ethan's belief that he is more important, more valuable than other people. She has given her seal of approval of Ethan becoming a full-blown sociopath. The icing on his sociopathic cake is experts in their fields (i.e., psychologists, lawyers, police, and now a judge) have put all the blame on the parents. To really send home the message that Ethan isn't to blame, they ordered him to a beach town in California (see picture) so he can get away from his parents and their influence.

Yes, we are taking about a teenager. He certainly has an opportunity to fundamentally change who he is as a person. I truly hope that he does. I won't ever give up on a kid, it's not who I am.

However, facts are facts. The fact is he had friends in the bed of his truck, and increased his speed to 70 mph when they pleaded with him to slow down. The fact is his blood alcohol content (.24) was 3 times over the legal limit (.08) and he had THC and Valium in his system. The fact is he hit 4 people with his truck, and said to his passenger, “I'm Ethan Couch, I'll get you out of this.” To be that calm and calculated in that moment (and under the influence) is the definition of terrifying. It also suggests Ethan's case of “affluenza” was actually a fancy way of saying he's a budding sociopath, possibly psychopath. I hope I'm wrong.


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The stigma of mental illness is alive and well. As a society we've become more comfortable with the idea of mental illness, as long as it doesn't directly affect us. People are very supportive for others but are often not proactive about seeking psychological services for themselves or a loved one.

Last week was the one-year anniversary of the Sandy Hook tragedy. One year ago, emotions were high and misguided statements such as “we need a national mental health registry” were made by ordinary and high-profiled citizens. Undoubtedly, mental illness played a role in that tragedy, but let's look at the numbers:

A 13-year study found that people with mental illness are responsible for approximately 5% of all violent acts that occurred during that time period.

The vast majority of mass kilings are committed by individuals without a history of mental illness. 

A person with a mental illness is 5 times more likely to be a victim of violence than the perpetrator.  

In 2010, 13% of violent crimes were categorized as intimate partner crimes, meaning you are 2.5 times more likely to be victimized by your partner than by someone with a mental illness.

Let me repeat that, your partner is 2.5 times more likely to violently act out toward you than someone with a mental illness.

Maybe we need a registry of all intimate partners.

How common is mental illness?

Here are statistics that are fairly common among psychological circles:

About 25% of adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year, with a serious mental illness found in about 6% of the population in a given year.

Approximately 7% of the adult population suffer from a major depressive episode in a given year

Approximately 18% of the adult population suffer from an anxiety disorder in a given year. That's essentially 1 out of 5 adults.

The prevalence rates of other disorders such as personality disorders, OCD, PTSD, bipolar, and schizophrenia range from 1-3% of the population in a given year for each disorder.

So sorry, mental illness is more common than you probably assumed. More importantly, those with mental illness aren't ticking time bombs, even if that's how they are portrayed by the media and others.

So instead of blaming those who are struggling with mental illness, provide support and remember that mental illness is a challenge for tens of millions Americans every day. Chances are you already know someone struggling with a mental illness right now.  


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So the short answer is there really isn't a “right” time to tell your children you are getting divorced. Ideally, you would like to tell them when they have some time to process this major family event, like a long weekend or school break. Each child is different and you have to take into consideration that each process experiences and emotions uniquely. With that said, there are a number of things you can do to make sure your kids are protected during the divorce process.

Many parents forget their decisions and behaviors can greatly impact the entire family, even if their intent is directed at the soon-to-be ex-spouse. I was once at a conference and one of the clinicians said he asked divorcing parents if they would ever hurt their children. The parents unsurprisingly responded they would not. His response was, “Then why would you put them in the middle of a knife fight?” What the clinician was implying is sometimes we don't realize we are putting others in difficult and often hurtful situations.

I will say this, if one or both parents are being suggestive or are doing things that are confusing and irritating to the children (e.g., bringing "friends" to the house or secretly talking on the phone), then have the conversation sooner than later. The more clarity regarding the family status, the better. 

Divorce is a loss, a family is being torn apart. It's hard, even if it's a relief. Here are some tips to make the divorce process less difficult for the children.

Tell them together. You and your spouse probably aren't on the best of terms, but it is important to find a way to tell your children together. It's hard enough to hear it once, don't make your kids experience the divorce conversation twice, if possible.

The same message. Telling your children together ensures that each parent is saying the same thing. I highly encourage parents to meet together without the children first to make sure their message is the same.

Now I know some may think this is unfair, especially if one person feels they have been wronged (e.g., infidelity). That's an issue between mom and dad, and something that the kids shouldn't have to worry about. You have to remember that your ex is still a parent. 

Maintain healthy boundaries. Your children aren't your therapists. They aren't messengers. They are your kids, let them be kids. If they are adamant and ask what happened or who was at fault, you can say it's something between mom and dad. Stay away from statements like, "Don't ask me, I didn't do anything wrong", that suggest blame is exclusive to one person

Be emotionally available. Make sure your children know that they can come and express any feelings now or in the future about the divorce. Whether it's anger, sadness, relief, or happiness, the parents should be available for support or just to listen.

It's not your fault. This is what you should be saying to your children. This is a grown-up issue and many times children will feel like they did something to break up the family. You have to make sure your children know the divorce has nothing to do with the them.

If you could go back in time, would you do it all over again?. The correct answer is yes.  If anything, make sure your children know that you wouldn't change the relationship because the marriage led to them. Also, don't swear off future relationships or marriage in general. I've heard many kids say they never want to get married because of what the parents say about marriage. 

Find support throughout the divorce process. If you want to be a good parent during this stressful time, you have to take care of yourself. That may mean leaning even more so on a friend, family member, or professional. 

You might want to consider therapy for your child(ren) as well, even if they seem to be managing life well. Therapy can provide a consistent, safe space to decompress and process feelings related to the divorce and family.


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This post isn't meant to dismiss non-parents. Many people have incredibly stressful and busy lives without children. However, the most challenging job you'll ever have is being a parent. Here's why:

1) It's nearly impossible to separate the personal from the professional. In traditional work settings, if you get a negative or critical review, people will often say "don't take it personal, it's just business." That rule doesn't apply with parenting. When your child or someone else gives you criticism on your parenting, it's usually very difficult to not take it personally. This is because a job is what you do, being a parent is who you are.

2) You can't leave your work at the office. Your office is your home and your home no longer exists as it once did. Your kids have taken over. Don't believe me? Check the walls and furniture for paint and crayon markings. Still don't believe me? Look in your trash, you'll probably find a remote or some electronic device in there.

3) You work overtime every day. There is no hour lunch. There is no vacation or sick time. Parenting for 8 hours a day would be considered part-time. Overtime is the regular day. Hopefully you get undisturbed sleep at night.

4) Your job starts when you open your eyes in the morning and ends when you pass out in the evening. This is the essence of parenting. Whatever your job, you probably have that moment where you wake up and do your morning rituals. With parenting, your work day starts when you open your eyes as a child or two have entered your room with a request, statement, or question. On exciting days, you are awakened by a ball whizzing by your head or the feeling of teeth biting your toes.

5) Your job description and duties are always changing. Now some people might find this exciting, especially if your work is monotonous and routine. In a moment, a parent can wear many hats and there is a chance that many or all of those hats don't fit.

6) There's no manual. To piggyback on the last point, a parent's role is constantly evolving and you are performing without a safety net. A quick search of “parenting books” in Amazon resulted in over 150,000 resources. If there are 150,000 books on any subject, it basically means we don't know what we are doing but we'll buy a book because it helps with the anxiety and helplessness.

7) Not only is the job pro bono, you pay money for the opportunity. The statistics are well-known. Raising a child from birth to 18 costs $100,000s, and those statistics were before the age of $500 cell phones and iPads.

8) You worry about job performance daily. I once asked a mentor, “When do you stop worrying about your kids?” Her response was, “You never do.” This doesn't mean you're in the fetal position in the corner most of your life, it just means that your mind is often occupied with thoughts about your children and your parenting skills. 

9 This list doesn't even consider the teenage years. That's a whole other post. 

Yes parenting is a privilege, but don't kid yourself, it's hard work. 

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If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!

The holiday season is here. Family gatherings, food, logistics, airports, to-do lists. It's stressful. Most agree in the end it's all worth it, but it's stressful nonetheless. The holiday season can also bring about depression and sadness for some; although in general, depression and suicides actually decrease during the holidays.

Many people report feeling lonely during the holidays, and for a number of reasons. Family couldn't come together, family did come together, a loved one passed away earlier in the year, or a loved one is sick and it might be the last holiday with them. It can be a mixed bag of emotions. Here are some tips on how to manage holiday stress:

Healthy boundaries. I can't emphasize this enough. Have you ever been talked into hosting a gathering or taking on too much responsibility for an organization? Know your limits and maintain healthy boundaries in order to keep your stress manageable. 

Make time for yourself. Even if you love everything about the holiday season, make sure to have some “me” time now and then. Even if it's volunteering to grab a few ingredients from the grocery store or going for a walk.  

Maintain a sense of normalcy. This doesn't mean keep the same schedule every day. Continue one or two healthy activities on a regular basis.

A few pounds won't kill you. By all means, if you can stay away from all the baked goods and treats, more power to you. But if you're like most people who attend parties or are surrounded by goodies, it's okay to indulge. That's what the New Year resolution is for.

Manage your finances. Too many times I've worked with families who have a great holiday and then are in a dire situation financially post holiday. Sit down and figure out what you can afford by considering your financial needs for the weeks following the holiday.

Let go...for now. Families can be splintered because of past issues. If you want everyone to have a pleasant holiday, try to temporarily let go of past and even present issues. This doesn't mean you have to forgive and forget, but set aside differences for the sake of togetherness.

Extend Thanksgiving. No, I'm not talking about the food, although...I'm talking about being thankful and grateful. If you are able to spend time with friends and/or family, be thankful. It doesn't have to be an over-the-top moment of gratitude, even pausing for a few seconds can relieve stress and positively shift your thinking. This is actually something to practice year around.

This too shall pass. If you dislike holidays, the bad news is they come ever year. The good news is holidays pass with time. If it helps, use a calendar or countdown to keep in mind that the holiday will be over soon.

Go on vacation. This obviously isn't for everyone, but I've seen a growing trend of family vacations during the holidays. Families report enjoying not having to figure out the logistics of going to three different homes in a day, figuring out menus, fighting road and store traffic, etc.


As usual, feel free to share via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

If you are interested in being notified of future blog posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!