Everyone has been hurt by someone.  It's healthy to feel sad, angry, and confused among a number of emotions.  You question what happened, how it happened, and why it happened.  Sometimes you don't reflect, and want to punish the other person.  You want the other person to feel as badly as you do.  Punishing the other person feels good or at least takes away some of the pain. 

I don't judge anyone for how they feel.  However, at some point you have to ask yourself, "Is holding on to this anger and resentment healthy for me?"  The most common occurrence is in relationships where your trust has been violated by someone (e.g. lying, deception, infidelity, breakup, etc.).  I'm not suggesting to allow someone to hurt you and then forgive them unconditionally; I'm suggesting to consider your feelings about you, instead of focusing on your feelings about the other.  It's much harder, but it will be worth it. 

Sometimes it feels better to blame the other person, remind them of their faults, hold on to resentment because they made the mistake.  It feels in control, like things are balancing out: from being hurt to punishing the perpetrator. It feels fair.

With that said, there comes a time when holding on to negative feelings becomes unhealthy and problematic for you, not the one who hurt you.  Anger and resentment can blind you from what matters in your life.  It can cause you to focus on the details, losing awareness of the big picture. Anger and resentment can spill into other relationships and experiences, and not in a good way.  

For many people, letting go and forgiveness are associated with power. If you have been hurt, you feel powerless. You feel acted upon. You may feel deceived, manipulated, lied to. By holding on to feelings of blame, anger, and resentment, you are able to feel more powerful. It gives you a sense of purpose, a sense of direction. However if you hold on to those feelings for too long, those same feelings get the power.  You lose control again. The negative emotions drive how you think about things, how you interact with others, and how you feel about yourself.  This usually does not end well. 

When you hold on to a feeling, when you blame the other, it takes away from your own responsibility for what happened. This does not mean you are to blame for someone else's actions, it means to examine if you had any type of role in what happened. What was your part? What could you have done differently?  Anything? This type of self-reflection is challenging and can be painful, but it can be very rewarding in your own personal growth. 

So how do you know that it might be time to let go and forgive?  Here are a few things to consider:

Is holding on still beneficial for you? If so, how?

Is this a pattern in your life? Has this happened in previous relationships?

What is keeping you from moving on, what are you actually holding on to?

What was your role and responsibility in what happened? Did you have a role?

Letting go and forgiving is not easy. It takes strength, courage, and compassion. Not compassion for the other person, but compassion for yourself. Forgiving does not mean you are weak or foolish, it means you have the strength to move on from a negative experience.  

Feel your feelings fully, reflect on the experience, take the good with you, learn from the bad, move forward. Life is too short to be looking over your shoulder at the past. 


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Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

"What is play therapy?" Rightfully so, that's the question I get from parents who are interested in therapy for their child.  I tend to show them the play room and say, "It's basically what you think it is, we play games."  They usually look interested but you can see the, "I'm sorry, what?", expression that they are trying to hide.  "What do you teach them by playing, what skills will my child learn?", is another common question as parents are usually experiencing a degree of anxiety because they are seeking professional help for their child. 

Most children can't plop down on a chair and express their inner thoughts and feelings.  Younger kids usually don't have that type of cognitive development and insight.(Yes, I know some of you would argue many adults lack the necessary skills as well, but that's a whole different conversation).  The good thing is children usually have not developed complex coping mechanisms to the extent that they can completely hide their feelings.  That's where the play comes in.  Whether role playing with dolls, battling with soldiers, or drawing pictures, children usually project their thoughts and feelings into these activities.  These symbolic activities give us a peek into what children are thinking and feeling.  Through play, we can help children identify and express their feelings and assist them in how to better handle stressful situations. 

Almost all children want to be adults, or at least want the "perks" of being an adult (and most adults reminisce about the simplicity of childhood...ahhh, such is life). Children can experience a lack of control in their life that can manifest in a number of ways including anxiety, anger, and sadness.  Play therapy is unstructured and with the exception of a few ground rules (i.e., office rules, safety rules), the child is in control. Children love this part of play therapy. Children spend most of their day either in school or at home where there are rules, so the idea of an experience where they make the decisions is culture shock.  Children are completely in charge and have almost all of the power in the room.  With this comes improved self-esteem, an increase in perceived control, and decreases in emotional dysregulation and anxiety.  

Play therapy also allows for the therapist to experience the child in a social setting.  Many times the child does not even realize a therapy session is happening, they think they are playing with an older friend.  Through play, not only do we get a glimpse of inner thoughts and feelings, but also of how the child interacts in a relationship.  This can be very helpful, especially for children struggling socially.  The therapist can express feelings that provide insight and education about the child's behavior.  For example, if the child is aggressive or uses hurtful words then I might say, "Ouch, you must be really angry if you are using that type of language."  Over time, the child becomes more aware of their own behavior and that feelings are a two-way street; both people experience them.  
  
Parents also play a role in play therapy.  Usually what happens in the session stays between the therapist and the child, with a few exceptions (e.g. safety, abuse).  In some instances, the child may want something to remain confidential, but it might be very beneficial for the information to be shared with the family. In this situation, usually the therapist talks with the child about meeting with the parents and how it might be helpful.  In my experience, most children are hesitant but open to a meeting with parents.  However, if the child is not ready to share certain feelings and there is not the potential for imminent harm, then I respect the child's wishes and shelf that conversation for a later session. 

Play therapy allows for a relationship to develop between the child and the therapist.  Trust, warmth, and safety are nurtured as the relationship grows.  The child gains acceptance that the world is daunting, but they now have the support and hope (within themselves and through others) to navigate whatever obstacles come their way.  I have been practicing play therapy for over 8 years, and I am still amazed by how issues can be addressed without actually talking about the issue. Play therapy has a nuance that is unique to itself. 

I can't take any credit for this list, other than posting it for all of you. It's a thought-provoking list, and there are alot of great concepts that go way beyond romantic relationships. Many of the items can be applied to friendships. I'm not one to give worksheets or "homework" in therapy, but I give this to almost all of the couples I work with. 

I read about this list from www.suhaibwebb.com who re-posted the list from a seminar. Enjoy!

1. Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. You have to work at it.
2. If your job takes all of your best energy, your marriage will suffer.
3. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own happiness.
4. It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time.
5. When you complain about your spouse to your friends, remember that their feedback can be distorted.
6. The only rules in your marriage are those you both choose to agree with.
7. It is not conflict that destroys marriage; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that you hold for a long time.
8. It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with what you have.
9. If you think you are too good for your spouse, think again.
10. Growing up in a happy household doesn’t ensure a happy marriage, or vice versa.
11. It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.
12. The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.
13. Love isn’t just a feeling; it is expressed through our actions.
14. Expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.
15. Arguments cannot be avoided, but destructive arguments can be avoided.
16. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.
17. Even people with happy marriages sometimes worry that they married the wrong person.
18. Your spouse cannot rescue you from unhappiness, but they can help you rescue yourself.
19. The cost of a lie is far greater than any advantage you gain from speaking it.
20. Your opinion is not necessarily the truth.
21. Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy.
22. Guilt-tripping won’t get you what you really want.
23. Don’t neglect your friends.
24. If you think, “You are not the person I married,” you are probably right.
25. Resisting the temptation to prove your point will win you a lot of points.
26. Generosity of spirit is the foundation of a good marriage.
27. If your spouse is being defensive, you might be giving them reasons to be like that.
28. Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100.
29. You can pay now or pay later, but the later you pay, the more interest and penalties you acquire.
30. Marriage requires sacrifice, but your benefits outweigh your costs.
31. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continous process.
32. Accepting the challenges of marriage will shape you into a better person.
33. Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket: once it clears the pull of gravity, it takes much less energy to sustain the flight.
34. A successful marriage has more to do with how you deal with your current reality than with what you’ve experienced in the past.
35. Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself.
36. There is no greater eloquence than the silence of real listening.
37. One of the greatest questions to ask your spouse is “How best can I love you?”
38. Marriage can stay fresh over time.
39. Assumptions are fine as long as you check them before acting upon them.
40. Intention may not be the only thing, but it is the most important thing.
41. Good sex won’t make your marriage, but it’ll help.
42. Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy will.
43. Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear, not love.
44. Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming.
45. If your spouse thinks something is important, then it is.
46. Marriage never outgrows the need for romance.
47. The sparkle of a new relationship is always temporary.
48. There is violence in silence when it’s used as a weapon.
49. It’s better to focus on what you can do to make things right, than what your partner did to make things wrong.
50. If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce.

Excerpted from Al Maghrib Institute’s “Fiqh of Love” seminar with Shaykh Waleed Basyouni.