I get two basic questions when a parent sets up an appointment for their child:

1) What should I say to my child about their appointment?

2) What happens during the first appointment?

Let's go one at a time and assume that we are talking about children under the age of 12. Most kids over the age of 12 actually ask their parents if the can talk to someone. Of course there is a significant difference between a 12 year-old and 5 year-old so you adjust your conversation to an age appropriate level.

What should I say to my child about their first appointment?

This is a question I address during the phone consultation. First, tell your child about the appointment at least a day or two before the appointment. If your child is anxious and you feel that it will exacerbate their anxiety, go with what works. I've found in most instances that kids actually feel relief and curiosity when they learn that they are going to talk with someone about their emotional issues.

Especially for young children, make clear that they aren't seeing a medical doctor, they are seeing a “feelings” doctor. It's okay to be more specific, especially if your child has opened up to you about complex, confusing issues like depression and anxiety. Also make sure that your child knows that there are no shots or medications involved in this appointment, only talking. You would be surprised by how many kids assume a shot or medicine is involved when they hear “doctor appointment.”

Lastly, frame the appointment with concern and care. It's okay to say that the school or family has concerns and this appointment is to help. In many cases, the child has raised the concern and the desire to see a therapist, so it might be welcomed with open arms. You can also add that it's up to the child if they want to meet alone or would feel more comfortable with a parent in the room. The choice is theirs to make.

What happens during the first appointment?

The first appointment is an opportunity for the child psychologist to help the child feel comfortable with the idea of therapy. I usually spend the first part of the session reviewing patients' rights, my responsibilities, office rules, and other details like the length of sessions and who I am. I also try to mix in some humor or silliness to help the child feel more relaxed and playful.

How the first session progresses is up to the child. Especially in play therapy, the goal is for the child to feel like they have a safe, nonjudgmental space. Sometimes a child will want a parent or caregiver to accompany them for the entirety of the session. In other instances, a child might walk in and say “see you whenever we're done” and leave their parent(s) in the waiting room. It depends on the child and neither approach is wrong. The goal is to make sure the child feels that therapy is a safe space where they are respected and valued. That's the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Certainly there are exceptions to the rule, but this is a fairly accurate impression of how I encourage informing a child about an upcoming therapy session and how most first sessions go in my office.


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There is an underlying belief that the legalization of marijuana is harmful because marijuana is a gateway drug. I always ask law enforcement about marijuana being a gateway drug and the answer is almost always a unanimous yes.

However, research tells a different story. I'm not about to argue for the legalization of marijuana, that isn't the message I'm attempting to convey. Rather, I'd like to illustrate how alcohol is actually the gateway drug, and how we as a society seem to be okay with alcohol's harmful and often deadly consequences.

A recent study found that teens who abused alcohol are twice as likely to abuse prescription opiate drugs than those who only used marijuana. This is an important statistic because prescription drug abuse and overdoses are skyrocketing across the country. Opiate drug overdoses kill more Americans yearly than cocaine and heroin overdoses combined.

Alcohol research tends to focus on underage/teen use. In a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), 25% of 8th graders, 40% of 10th graders, and 53% of 12th graders reported drinking alcohol in the last month. If this isn't alarming enough, the study dug deeper and found that 79% of teens drank because it felt good, 67% to forget their problems, and 66% because of peer pressure. For me, these responses allude to underlying mental health concerns like poor self-esteem, deficits in coping skills, depression, anxiety, and loneliness.

Makes sense, right? Adolescence is tough for teens and parents. Teens are dealing with social and academic pressures, identity issues, and navigating the world of independence. So what's the excuse for adults? Over 35,000 adults die each year from dependent and non-dependent use of alcohol (CDC). When including unintentional deaths, homicides, and other indirectly related deaths, the 35,000 number more than doubles. According to the National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence (NCADD), alcohol plays a role in approximately 40% of all violent crimes in a given year. That equates to almost 4,000 violent crimes per day.

Most feedback from adults for reasons to drink ironically sound very similar to teen responses: for fun, to relax and forget about problems/stress, and because of social expectations. The problem here is the more you drink, the worse you think. Over time, social drinking can evolve into an addiction and into your preferred coping mechanism for stress or any issue.

So what is really being said when a teen is told that they can't drink until the arbitrary age of 21? You aren't old enough to handle the responsibility of drinking at this time, wait a few years. The problem is that millions of adults show time and again that they can't handle the responsibility either. Research repeatedly shows that most people use alcohol as a coping mechanism, as a way to avoid real life issues.

At a societal level, it seems there is a hint of “oh, he's been drinking, that explains it,” to justify behavior. It is almost as if alcohol is being blamed, taking away the responsibility from the individual.

There needs to be a shift in the alcohol dialogue. There needs to be more honesty and courage. Alcohol needs to be talked about for what it is, an unhealthy coping mechanism for many that kills tens of thousands every year. The statistics don't lie. Maybe “happy hour” should be renamed “ignore your problems hour".


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A friend recently asked for tips on how to foster a sense of gratitude in young children. Specifically, how to instill a sense of feeling fortunate for what they have. Gratitude in children is an important and crucial part of child development. Here are some ideas on how to get the gratitude ball rolling with the young ones:

Keep perspective. A big hurdle for parents is setting aside their own expectations and recognizing their child's actual capabilities. When it comes to gratitude, many parents will say, “At least you have food to eat and a roof over your head”. Most young children aren't cognitively capable of truly grasping complex ideas like gratitude, at least how adults conceptualize gratitude.

Yes, you want your 5 year-old to walk into the bedroom and genuinely say thanks for food, clothes, and drinkable water. It's just not going to happen. So shift your expectation and recognize that a “thank you” and “please” are also expressions of gratitude. It's not where you ultimately want to be, but it's a good start.

Be a role model. Kids are always watching and absorbing all that parents do. That's one of the reasons why parenting is the hardest job you'll ever have. Want your kids to be grateful? Show them how. We teach our kids how to throw a ball and color inside the lines. So teach them how to express gratitude by expressing gratitude on a daily basis. This exercise will not only teach your kids about gratitude, it will teach (remind) you too.

Consider if you are giving your child a chance to show gratitude. It's possible that you give your child everything that they want, so instead of becoming grateful your child may be more demanding or entitled.

Reward moments of gratitude. If and when your child does say “thank you” or exhibits any gratitude, big or small, take a moment and praise them. You don't have to throw a party. A hug, hi-5, or return thank you will suffice. Recognize their effort, you'll get more of it. On a side note, the actual expression of gratitude can be the secret to happiness.

Nurture empathy. If you want your child to really get a sense of gratitude, then continue to develop their sense of empathy. Without this emotional component, children will express gratitude because they think they are supposed to, not because they want to.

Less explanation, more emotion. We all too often give reasons why our kids should be grateful. This is effective for some kids, but most things in our lives have a more resounding impact when our emotions are stirred. So focus on the emotions underlying gratitude. Ask your child emotionally-driven questions like:

How would you feel if you had no toys?

What if you lived in a place where you couldn't go outside and play?

How should we thank mommy for this delicious lunch?

Your child's response to these or similar questions will let you know where they are in their cognitive development and in understanding the essence of gratitude.

Don't expect immediate results. Personal growth is a process. If you find yourself frustrated that you aren't seeing immediate results, give yourself a reality check and your child some time.

Start family traditions. It's interesting that most families save expressing thanks for the dinner table on Thanksgiving. Considering giving thanks during dinner on a daily basis. If your family is religious/spiritual, incorporate gratitude into your daily prayer.

Want your kids to be grateful for the roof over their heads? Camp in the backyard or go for a walk on a cold day. Don't punish them, but use these and other creative ideas to start a dialogue about how nice it is to sleep on a bed or have a home to escape a cold or rainy day.

Want your kids to see the homeless and less fortunate? Be careful. They may see something traumatic or may become scared. You know your kid the best so go with what you think is right. If they are too young or sensitive, have them put together a basket of food or clothes that can be donated to help the less fortunate.

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I believe each child has a unique relationship with each parent. With that uniqueness comes the responsibility of teaching your child things that only you can teach.

I certainly feel this way with my kids. There are some things that I do better and some things that my wife does better. Reflecting on my clinical work, I feel there are a few things that a daughter should know, and it's best if it came from dad.

1) Don't base your self-esteem on your physical appearance. Yes, care about your appearance but don't let your appearance define your value. Girls experience so much pressure when it comes to their image, dads need to lay the foundation that self-esteem is about who you are, not what you look like.

2) “Airbrushing” is a disservice to all girls and women. The deception of airbrushing is being exposed. It's incredibly important for dads to make sure their daughters know these pictures are unhealthy figments of imagination.

3) You are going to make a lot of mistakes in life, and that's exactly what you are supposed to do. Just like me. I routinely work with kids who think they have to be perfect, and it causes them a lot of stress. It's common for kids to think their parents are perfect. Let the cat out of the bag, dad makes mistakes too.

4) Remember those mistakes? Learn from them. A mistake can either be a problem or an opportunity. It's a problem if it continues to repeat itself, it's an opportunity if you learn from it.

5) Eat what you want, but be healthy about it. I've had girls in kindergarten tell me they are dieting. Eat what you want, but be responsible. If you want to lose weight, it's okay, it doesn't mean you're fat.

6) Choose your friends wisely. At some point a friend is going to pressure you to do something you know is wrong. Is that really a friend?

7) Your siblings may be very different from you, but you'll always be siblings. You all may have very different likes and lives, but you will always be family. Stay connected.

8) It's okay if there are some things that you don't want to talk to dad about. Some things are just uncomfortable for a daughter to talk to her dad about, same with boys and their mothers.

9) The way dad treats your mom is how men should treat you. Where do kids first learn about relationships? From their parents. If you treat their mom with love, respect, and care, they will learn that those characteristics are the foundation of a healthy relationship.

10) Be yourself. Don't change who you are for someone else. If someone likes you when you are being something that you aren't, they don't like the real you.

11) I will always love you and be your dad, always. This one needs no explanation.


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So the short answer is there really isn't a “right” time to tell your children you are getting divorced. Ideally, you would like to tell them when they have some time to process this major family event, like a long weekend or school break. Each child is different and you have to take into consideration that each process experiences and emotions uniquely. With that said, there are a number of things you can do to make sure your kids are protected during the divorce process.

Many parents forget their decisions and behaviors can greatly impact the entire family, even if their intent is directed at the soon-to-be ex-spouse. I was once at a conference and one of the clinicians said he asked divorcing parents if they would ever hurt their children. The parents unsurprisingly responded they would not. His response was, “Then why would you put them in the middle of a knife fight?” What the clinician was implying is sometimes we don't realize we are putting others in difficult and often hurtful situations.

I will say this, if one or both parents are being suggestive or are doing things that are confusing and irritating to the children (e.g., bringing "friends" to the house or secretly talking on the phone), then have the conversation sooner than later. The more clarity regarding the family status, the better. 

Divorce is a loss, a family is being torn apart. It's hard, even if it's a relief. Here are some tips to make the divorce process less difficult for the children.

Tell them together. You and your spouse probably aren't on the best of terms, but it is important to find a way to tell your children together. It's hard enough to hear it once, don't make your kids experience the divorce conversation twice, if possible.

The same message. Telling your children together ensures that each parent is saying the same thing. I highly encourage parents to meet together without the children first to make sure their message is the same.

Now I know some may think this is unfair, especially if one person feels they have been wronged (e.g., infidelity). That's an issue between mom and dad, and something that the kids shouldn't have to worry about. You have to remember that your ex is still a parent. 

Maintain healthy boundaries. Your children aren't your therapists. They aren't messengers. They are your kids, let them be kids. If they are adamant and ask what happened or who was at fault, you can say it's something between mom and dad. Stay away from statements like, "Don't ask me, I didn't do anything wrong", that suggest blame is exclusive to one person

Be emotionally available. Make sure your children know that they can come and express any feelings now or in the future about the divorce. Whether it's anger, sadness, relief, or happiness, the parents should be available for support or just to listen.

It's not your fault. This is what you should be saying to your children. This is a grown-up issue and many times children will feel like they did something to break up the family. You have to make sure your children know the divorce has nothing to do with the them.

If you could go back in time, would you do it all over again?. The correct answer is yes.  If anything, make sure your children know that you wouldn't change the relationship because the marriage led to them. Also, don't swear off future relationships or marriage in general. I've heard many kids say they never want to get married because of what the parents say about marriage. 

Find support throughout the divorce process. If you want to be a good parent during this stressful time, you have to take care of yourself. That may mean leaning even more so on a friend, family member, or professional. 

You might want to consider therapy for your child(ren) as well, even if they seem to be managing life well. Therapy can provide a consistent, safe space to decompress and process feelings related to the divorce and family.


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This post isn't meant to dismiss non-parents. Many people have incredibly stressful and busy lives without children. However, the most challenging job you'll ever have is being a parent. Here's why:

1) It's nearly impossible to separate the personal from the professional. In traditional work settings, if you get a negative or critical review, people will often say "don't take it personal, it's just business." That rule doesn't apply with parenting. When your child or someone else gives you criticism on your parenting, it's usually very difficult to not take it personally. This is because a job is what you do, being a parent is who you are.

2) You can't leave your work at the office. Your office is your home and your home no longer exists as it once did. Your kids have taken over. Don't believe me? Check the walls and furniture for paint and crayon markings. Still don't believe me? Look in your trash, you'll probably find a remote or some electronic device in there.

3) You work overtime every day. There is no hour lunch. There is no vacation or sick time. Parenting for 8 hours a day would be considered part-time. Overtime is the regular day. Hopefully you get undisturbed sleep at night.

4) Your job starts when you open your eyes in the morning and ends when you pass out in the evening. This is the essence of parenting. Whatever your job, you probably have that moment where you wake up and do your morning rituals. With parenting, your work day starts when you open your eyes as a child or two have entered your room with a request, statement, or question. On exciting days, you are awakened by a ball whizzing by your head or the feeling of teeth biting your toes.

5) Your job description and duties are always changing. Now some people might find this exciting, especially if your work is monotonous and routine. In a moment, a parent can wear many hats and there is a chance that many or all of those hats don't fit.

6) There's no manual. To piggyback on the last point, a parent's role is constantly evolving and you are performing without a safety net. A quick search of “parenting books” in Amazon resulted in over 150,000 resources. If there are 150,000 books on any subject, it basically means we don't know what we are doing but we'll buy a book because it helps with the anxiety and helplessness.

7) Not only is the job pro bono, you pay money for the opportunity. The statistics are well-known. Raising a child from birth to 18 costs $100,000s, and those statistics were before the age of $500 cell phones and iPads.

8) You worry about job performance daily. I once asked a mentor, “When do you stop worrying about your kids?” Her response was, “You never do.” This doesn't mean you're in the fetal position in the corner most of your life, it just means that your mind is often occupied with thoughts about your children and your parenting skills. 

9 This list doesn't even consider the teenage years. That's a whole other post. 

Yes parenting is a privilege, but don't kid yourself, it's hard work. 

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Is it okay that my child at times verbally punishes his stuffed animals?

--Anonymous November 2014

This is the type of behavior I see in play therapy. Play therapy allows for access into a child's mind through their play. Kids usually don't sit in a chair and tell you how they feel about themselves, their family, or the world. This is where a child's play can be informative. A child's play is usually a projection of what they are thinking and feeling.

So in this instance of punishing a stuffed animal, I would look for a few things. Is the punishment justified, did the animal do something to be punished? If he is dishing out punishments for no reason, that's one thing, but if the toy animal did something worthy of reprimand, then that can be a healthy thing. He's coming full circle in the latter case. He was playing with the stuffed animal, it did something wrong, and he's implementing a punishment to curb the behavior. Most parents would agree that is a logical and appropriate form of parenting.

But what if it's the former, a punishment without cause? There might be a few explanations for this behavior. He might be angry, it could be part of the game, or it could be how he perceives his reality. If he's frustrated, then being aggressive in pretend play is a normal and natural way of managing frustration. As a kid, especially under the age of 5, you have minimal control or power in your life. He is directing the play, and is the punisher instead of the punished. Both give him a sense of power and control in a healthy way. It's age-appropriate.

The second option is punishment is part of his play. If so, this is a teaching and learning opportunity. If there is no apparent reason for the punishment, you can engage and co-construct what's happening. If he says the animal is in trouble because he says so, you can suggest that maybe the animal should not be in trouble since the animal did nothing wrong. You could also say the animal apologized so it should be forgiven. The play can also turn into an empathy exercise by asking, “How would you feel if you were in trouble when you did nothing wrong?”

Lastly, a child's play is symbolic of reality. So if in his play, he goes through each step (bad behavior → punishment → acceptance and apology → punishment over), then your child has a basic understanding of rules and relationships. If the animal is punished for no apparent reason, then it might be a sign that he doesn't understand why he is punished in reality. A good method to assess his understanding is to ask what he did that was wrong, why is he being punished, and what he can do differently next time. Sometimes what is obvious to a parent is confusing to a child.

You can also gauge your child's knowledge by asking similar questions as you watch a cartoon, read a story, or see another child who is doing something positive or negative. These situations are great ways of speaking indirectly to your child, rather than putting your child on the spot. It's always rewarding when your child is well-behaved; but poor behavior, even a meltdown, is an opportunity to learn and improve. 


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Parents often say the teenage years are the toughest to navigate. From a developmental perspective, it makes complete sense. The teenage years are when kids shift their attention from family to friends and personal interests.

From birth until about age 12, a child's world is centered around the primary caregiver(s) and family. Social gatherings, activities, and relationships are family-oriented. Children, for the most part, go along with family decisions. Kids certainly have relationships other than with their parents and siblings, but the central relationships revolve around the family.

By the teen years (and a year or two before), a significant shift occurs in most teens' lives. A shift in attention goes from the family to peers. Teens no longer identify themselves as a son, daughter, brother, or sister. They want to spend much more time with friends, and less time at home or with the family. This is a natural process.

Underlying this social shift, is the formation of a new identity. Teens certainly don't want to be identified by hobbies or acts of younger years, they want to be seen as young adults moving from a state of dependence to independence. This is what leads to most of the conflict in the parent-teen relationship: the shift from dependence to independence. Here are some parenting tips to keep in mind when thinking of your teen(s):

1. Trust. If your teen has been trustworthy thus far, keep trusting. Teens often report their parents rules are based on what happens with other teens.
   
   
2. Manage your anxiety. Parents worry. Sometimes it's legitimate, but sometimes your own personal anxiety is misplaced into your parenting.
   
   
3. Set the rules and consequences ahead of time. Be proactive, not reactive. Setting the rules ahead of time allows for you to be able to say, “We talked about this, it was clear.” It also allows you to say, “We agreed that if you were late, you have to come home early next Saturday.”
   
   
4. Set the rules...mutually. Your relationship has a much better chance of being healthy if you mutually agree on rules. This doesn't mean letting your teen run wild, it means compromise. Give a little to get a little. Pick your battles. It's a great life lesson, too.
   
   
5. Let your teen make mistakes. Yes, you read that correctly. That doesn't mean allow your teen to put themselves in dangerous situations, but it does mean let them learn by making mistakes. Would you rather them make mistakes while under your supervision, or when they are in college and learning from other 18 year-olds?
   
   
6. Try to have dinner nightly as a family. Sometimes it's impossible, but aim to have dinner together daily at a certain time. It's a great way to keep up with your teens' lives and to maintain some sense of normalcy for your family. 
   
   
7. Check-in or have family meetings. Call family meetings when there is a problem and when things are going great. You don't want your teens to become averse to you saying “let's talk.”
   
   
8. Invite their friends for dinner. This shows your teen that you are interested in their life. It also gives you a chance to get to know their friends. If the stars are aligned, the friends might even have a good time and disgust your teen by saying you are “cool”.
   
   
9. Be a nonjudgmental listener. You have a much better chance at a healthy relationship if you listen without being critical. Over time, your teen will learn and notice this, and will be more likely to come to you when there is a serious issue.
   
   
10. Talk to other parents of teens. Compare notes, generate ideas, and find support from other parents.
    
    
11. Be imperfect. Parenting is messy. The teenage years are messy. Many teens feel relief when they realize they don't have to be perfect. Show your teens that making mistakes is human. It can positively impact their self-image and confidence. Saying "I don't know" can be the right answer.
    
    

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In this final post for this communication series, let's focus less on you and more on your audience. Mentioned in previous posts, you can express yourself clearly, but that doesn't mean that you will be understood or even heard. If you aren't communicating in a way that can connect with the other person, then you're wasting your time. Here are some things to consider about the other person:

Age. The age of the person you are talking to matters. You speak differently to children, teens, and adults. If you are speaking to a child or even teens, try to use short, succinct statements. Avoid sentences with multiple steps unless the person has shown an ability to multi-task.  

Especially for young children, body language and tone are important. I strongly recommend when talking to a child, come down to their level, literally. Adults are intimidating to children, sit down or even kneel down when speaking to a child, even if you are angry. You are already in charge, there isn't a need to be physically intimidating as well. 

One of the biggest complaints from teens is their parents talk to them like they are children. I know for parents, their kids will always be children. But a conversation can be much more productive if you speak to your teen like they are a young adult. That doesn't mean you agree with everything they say, it just means be aware of your tone and potential for speaking in a condescending manner. 

Communication Style. This is a part of communication that gets overlooked. Is the person you are talking to a visual or auditory learner? Some people prefer to have written directions while others can listen to directions and perform flawlessly.

Are you assertive or passive in your communication? How about the other person? Sometimes the message can be lost in the presentation. Be aware of how you present yourself and how the other person presents to you. Sometimes a video of a conversation can provide incredible insight into personal mannerisms.

Previous experiences. History has a tendency of repeating itself. Reflect on what has lead to productive versus unproductive conversations. Share your thoughts with the other person and compare notes. Even if it is unconventional, it may work for you. 

Everything that I write about is based from my training and experiences. The writings are more of a guideline than manual. Go with what works for you, as long as there aren't unhealthy consequences. 

I've attempted to capture some of the major themes and hurdles to effective, healthy communication in this series. I hope these 4 posts on communication have been helpful. This doesn't mean the posts on communicating are over, there will certainly be more. 


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Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

Enabling is a term that has become more mainstream in the last decade or so, especially with the popularity of 12-step programs (and reality TV) for those with addiction issues. However, enabling behavior isn’t new, and it’s not limited to addiction.

What is that fine line between love and enabling? Love is however you define it. More than likely some part of that definition includes unconditional acceptance. The notion that you are loved exactly the way you are.

Enabling grows out of and is driven by love. Enabling is loving someone to the extent that you excuse and then assume their responsibilities. The more you take over their responsibilities, the more they depend on you. The cycle continues, around and around it goes.  

With addiction, the addict might be in excruciating pain and the only thing that will help is another fix. Out of love, they are given a few dollars for that one fix. The mind rationalizes the behavior in a number of ways, including that if they are given the money they’ll see that they are loved, or that it’s better to get the money from a loved one than to do something harmful or even criminal.  

With children, enabling might be in the form of eating. Your little one takes two bites of dinner, says they are full, and then comes back an hour later complaining of starvation. As a parent you don’t want your child to go hungry; at the same time, you don’t want to set the example that it’s okay to avoid dinner and finagle your way into a delicious dessert (preferably something with peanut butter).  

With teenagers, it could be allowing your teen to stay up late and then they don’t want to go to school because they feel tired. You think to yourself they do look really tired so maybe this one time. Even something this minor could be the start of a major case of enabling.

Seemingly healthy relationships aren’t immune to enabling. One person works a stressful job and then doesn’t take care of their responsibilities at home. The other compensates and takes over all of their responsibilities. You can see how this might become problematic over time.

Enabling happens with emotions as well. If you withhold your feelings because your partner doesn’t handle emotional conversations well, then you may be enabling their inability to connect and empathize with you and your needs. Resentment, confusion, and loneliness can grow and suddenly a relationship is in trouble.

You might be thinking sometimes you have to pick up the slack. People have bad days, weeks, even months. That’s absolutely correct. Sometimes it’s not enabling. It’s being there for the other person when they need extra support. A sign of enabling is if you find yourself taking over the other person’s responsibilities, things that have been discussed many times in the past. There are certain behaviors that a child/teen/adult should be able to do.

The other component, and a discussion for another time, is what is happening that you allow yourself to be the enabler. Is it that you are an amazingly compassionate person, or maybe it’s difficult to advocate for yourself and express troubling feelings to someone you love? Enabling is a two-person process. Both have a responsibility.

Identifying enabling behavior can be difficult, because the motivation is grounded in love. However, if you regularly ask yourself why someone continues to behave a certain way (especially if the behavior is harmful), it is worthwhile to look at each person’s responsibility in the behavior. Sometimes love is confronting the other on their issues or shortcomings, as long as the approach is fueled with compassion and sensitivity.


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