In an earlier post, I wrote extensively about the value of premarital counseling, and how I believe premarital counseling should be a part of wedding preparations.

Think about it, $100s on a cake, $1,000s on a photographer and other expenses. The average wedding costs well over $10,000. Premarital counseling would be a very thin slice of the marriage budget pie.

Counseling has a negative connotation, and I’m not sure anything can change that. Premarital counseling isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually an incredibly pro-active, healthy process to ensure that the most important relationship in your life starts on solid ground.

I’ve worked with many engaged couples who have come for a few sessions to talk aloud about their relationship, and to see if they are missing any potential issues. Having kept in contact with these couples, they for the most part continue to report having satisfying, happy marriages. Unfortunately these couples are few and far between.

The vast majority of couples come to therapy during a crisis or when there is such emotional distance between one another that the relationship seems beyond repair. Instead of repeating the ideas and points from the previous blog column, I wanted to give three examples of major issues couples face in the first year of marriage: compromise, money, and the extended family.

Compromise. The biggest adjustment for most is the actual process of merging two lives into one home. Furniture, TVs, kitchenware, clothes, beds, etc. What to keep, what to get rid of, where to live. It’s endless. The important part is finding compromise. The foundation of compromise is each person partially sacrifices what they want. Compromise promotes two things: 1) each person is flexible in their wants and needs, and 2) there is mutual care and respect in the relationship.

Money. It doesn't buy happiness, but it can certainly bring stress. Money matters, and it's one of the biggest causes of conflict and divorce. Talk about money so that both people are comfortable with the finances. Talk specifics. Is your household going to have one earner or two, for how long, what are your financial goals? Many couples meet weekly or monthly to talk about household income and expenses. Even if money is not an issue, talking about it builds a comfort level which is important if finances ever do become an issue.

Extended family. Better known as “the in-laws”. Talking about families can be very difficult, because there are a lot of emotions attached to family, and rightfully so. The underlying issue with extended families is boundaries (click here for more about boundaries). When you get married, you are a part of a new family born out of two existing families.

As a new family, you have to find your own identity. This doesn’t mean extended family is excluded, it means you and your partner have to agree on the extent of family inclusion (if any). Once you find agreement, there has to be consistency. Both people have to abide by the agreed boundaries. Lastly, communication about extended family has to be open, honest, and respectful. Beliefs and feelings change, and healthy communication allows for open dialogue about what to do with shifting beliefs.

These are three examples of many issues that arise in the first year of marriage. If you and your partner are having difficulty adjusting to marriage, seek support and guidance. Whatever you do, don’t have children because you think it will fix the marriage.

As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!

I'm continuing to write about relationships for a couple of reasons: 1) this topic has been the most requested by readers, and 2) I am contributing to a public forum this coming weekend focusing on advice for a healthy and happy marriage. My hope is writing this will help you as well as help me get my thoughts in order. 

Is love enough? Unfortunately, we know the statistics. Divorce rates vary, but most have the rate in the low 40% range. Not quite the 50% that everyone talks about, but still an alarmingly high rate. So it seems like love alone is not enough, at least 40% of the time. Sorry, don't shoot the messenger.

Love may not be enough on its own, but it's a good start. When you are considering a serious commitment like marriage, you want to be thoughtful and honest about your relationship. The questions that are usually pondered are: Do I love this person? Can I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? Am I getting married for the right reasons?

How do you answer these questions? What's the right answer? Is there a right answer? Whether it's mutual love, similar interests, or "chemistry", you have to dig deeper into your relationship for the answers. This is my advice. If you ever find yourself thinking that things will get better after marriage, take a step back, a big step back.

How do you dig deeper? One option is premarital counseling. Studies show that premarital counseling reduces the risk of divorce by 30%. The goal of premarital counseling is not to find flaws in one another and point out what issues are going to be a problem. Instead, premarital counseling provides an opportunity to have a meaningful dialogue about what works in your relationship, what areas you can improve on, and what to be aware of if you choose to move forward together.

For many couples, premarital counseling is a welcomed relief. There may be life issues that have been avoided such as children, religion, family dynamics, living situation, and finances. At a deeper level, issues like communication style, stress management techniques, and personality characteristics can be openly explored and better understood by each partner. Conflict will happen, but the resolution can be easier if you truly know your partner. Part of knowing your partner is having open conversations about similarities-differences, strengths-weaknesses, and tendencies-aversions.

One potential issue for couples is misinterpreting your partner. That is, misinterpreting your partner's intentions. If your partner walks away from a conversation to think or gather their thoughts, you might misconstrue the walking away as not caring about the conversation (or relationship). If you are confused by a statement, action, or response then ask for clarification. Many potential blow-ups are avoided by simply stating, "I'm a little confused, can you say more about what you just said."

Communication style can be another major obstacle for couples. Some people like to talk immediately about a problem, while others like to have time to gather their thoughts and then come back to the issue. Generally speaking, men typically want to fix the problem, whereas women want to "talk it out." Counseling can help a couple achieve balance between these approaches or at least help the couple communicate more effectively.

Premarital counseling provides an opportunity to practice how to communicate with one another about serious issues. Confronting conflict may feel scary, but it can actually build confidence in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. The more you practice, the less anxiety, stress, and fear you will experience in the future when a difficult topic arises. You and your partner will be more aware of each other's communication styles, stress management skills, and nonverbal cues (e.g., eye-rolling, head-scratching, etc.)

Take a moment and try this exercise. Reflect on how you felt reading this post, maybe read it again. Which emotions and thoughts did you experience? Now imagine what it would be like to read this with your partner sitting beside you. Would there be tension, discomfort, fear? If the idea of reading this with your partner makes you anxious or brings to consciousness a serious but ignored issue in your relationship, then maybe this post will help open dialogue between the two of you.

I've talked exclusively about premarital counseling, but these same concepts apply to any relationship. It's never too late to improve yourself or your relationship.


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

I can't take any credit for this list, other than posting it for all of you. It's a thought-provoking list, and there are alot of great concepts that go way beyond romantic relationships. Many of the items can be applied to friendships. I'm not one to give worksheets or "homework" in therapy, but I give this to almost all of the couples I work with. 

I read about this list from www.suhaibwebb.com who re-posted the list from a seminar. Enjoy!

1. Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. You have to work at it.
2. If your job takes all of your best energy, your marriage will suffer.
3. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own happiness.
4. It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time.
5. When you complain about your spouse to your friends, remember that their feedback can be distorted.
6. The only rules in your marriage are those you both choose to agree with.
7. It is not conflict that destroys marriage; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that you hold for a long time.
8. It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with what you have.
9. If you think you are too good for your spouse, think again.
10. Growing up in a happy household doesn’t ensure a happy marriage, or vice versa.
11. It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.
12. The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.
13. Love isn’t just a feeling; it is expressed through our actions.
14. Expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.
15. Arguments cannot be avoided, but destructive arguments can be avoided.
16. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.
17. Even people with happy marriages sometimes worry that they married the wrong person.
18. Your spouse cannot rescue you from unhappiness, but they can help you rescue yourself.
19. The cost of a lie is far greater than any advantage you gain from speaking it.
20. Your opinion is not necessarily the truth.
21. Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy.
22. Guilt-tripping won’t get you what you really want.
23. Don’t neglect your friends.
24. If you think, “You are not the person I married,” you are probably right.
25. Resisting the temptation to prove your point will win you a lot of points.
26. Generosity of spirit is the foundation of a good marriage.
27. If your spouse is being defensive, you might be giving them reasons to be like that.
28. Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100.
29. You can pay now or pay later, but the later you pay, the more interest and penalties you acquire.
30. Marriage requires sacrifice, but your benefits outweigh your costs.
31. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continous process.
32. Accepting the challenges of marriage will shape you into a better person.
33. Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket: once it clears the pull of gravity, it takes much less energy to sustain the flight.
34. A successful marriage has more to do with how you deal with your current reality than with what you’ve experienced in the past.
35. Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself.
36. There is no greater eloquence than the silence of real listening.
37. One of the greatest questions to ask your spouse is “How best can I love you?”
38. Marriage can stay fresh over time.
39. Assumptions are fine as long as you check them before acting upon them.
40. Intention may not be the only thing, but it is the most important thing.
41. Good sex won’t make your marriage, but it’ll help.
42. Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy will.
43. Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear, not love.
44. Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming.
45. If your spouse thinks something is important, then it is.
46. Marriage never outgrows the need for romance.
47. The sparkle of a new relationship is always temporary.
48. There is violence in silence when it’s used as a weapon.
49. It’s better to focus on what you can do to make things right, than what your partner did to make things wrong.
50. If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce.

Excerpted from Al Maghrib Institute’s “Fiqh of Love” seminar with Shaykh Waleed Basyouni.