This analysis will not focus on the usual variables that are debated ad nauseam by foreign policy “experts” on all news channels. The explanation provided here will be rooted in psychology with an emphasis on relationships and motivation. I'll be arguing that the role of psychology has been lacking in foreign policy equations, and until considered, American foreign policy will continue to falter, especially in the Middle East.

Relationships

Every relationship has complexities and a uniqueness. When working with someone in therapy, I conduct a clinical interview over numerous sessions gathering information including present, cultural, family, and historical issues. Some ask if this is necessary. It is, because the interview provides a complete picture of the person. Therapy can then be tailored to the individual's specific needs. Additionally, this helps me connect with the person which is integral to the therapy work.

The same should apply in relating to another country. If I were to clinically interview Iraq, a few issues would arise for consideration when it comes time to relate and intervene. For Iraq, you have to look at the people's psychology. The consensus is most Americans regret the 2003 Iraq invasion. The Iraqis generally feel negatively about American intervention, dating back decades.

From the Iraqi mindset, American foreign policy has been troubling. A lack of trust exists which is never good for cooperation. If American foreign policy continues as it has for decades, Iraqis won't buy in and any progress will be at a superficial level. Even if the policy can be successful, it will be met with resentment and hostility due to history. Much like in therapy, if I persist with the same intervention that hasn't been effective with a patient, it's unproductive and potentially harmful. 

Motivation

Motivation does not receive enough attention in the foreign policy world. The two types of motivation, are intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation is a desire to do something because it is personally important or appealing to you. Extrinsic motivation is the opposite; the drive for something is due to external factors such as praise, punishment, or money. Studying psychology because you have a natural interest in the subject is an example of intrinsic motivation. Studying so you can get an A on an exam is an example of extrinsic motivation. 

When you are intrinsically motivated, you tend to feel more satisfied, engaged, valued, and open to improvement (Wigfield, Guthrie, Tonks, & Perencevich, 2004). Americans are largely dissatisfied with their work which results in the loss of hundreds of billions of dollars to the economy each year (Gallup, 2013). It appears most people are extrinsically motivated to work. People work for money so that they can live. Employers are constantly looking for ways to intrinsically motivate their employees to increase productivity, efficiency, pride, and longevity. In therapy, one of the many techniques used is to cultivate extrinsic motivation to help patients to move forward, with the ultimate goal being to foster an intrinsic motivation for real change.

What does any of this have to do with Iraq? In many ways, a country is like a company and the citizens are employees. The citizens of the most successful, happiest countries in the world scored high on civic engagement, sense of community, and overall life satisfaction. All of these variables are associated with personal goals and intrinsic motivation. These traits are lacking in Iraq at a national level. For decades, the fate of Iraq has been in the hands of dictators or foreign nations, leaving Iraq without an identity. Instead of building a national identity and sense of togetherness, the country has been unstable and most citizens are focused on personal safety and survival.  

What does this mean for foreign policy?

Leaders of many countries repeatedly champion that all actions that are taken will be in the nation's best interest. When other countries hear this type of rhetoric, what are they to think? These type of statements can only weaken the relationship between two countries, especially if one country openly speaks about self-interests. Imagine two people being in a relationship and one person constantly does things because it is in their self-interest to do so. Does that sound like a healthy relationship?

Foreign policy needs to focus on mutual best interests, not just one nation's. This may sound like a weak stance but in reality it's an empathic, courageous approach. It's also the opposite of the policy that has been failing for decades. The goal of foreign policy should include identity formation, national building from within, and instilling a sense of pride and optimism at a personal level. 

Intrinsic motivation needs to be a part of any intervention. If Iraqis don't feel a personal and natural investment in their country, they won't fight for their country because it doesn't feel like their country. How do you nurture intrinsic motivation? Allow Iraqis to have a major role in the decisions and direction of the country. That doesn't mean step back and watch passively, it means allow the Iraqis to take the driver's seat. In therapy, real characterological change doesn't happen if the therapist is providing solutions and giving advice. Fundamental change occurs when the individual recognizes and works for increased awareness and self-improvement. As this therapy process unfolds, the therapist metaphorically transitions from the passenger seat, to the back seat, and eventually into an image in the rear view mirror.

Experts like to talk about historical events as examples to support current policies and interventions. A quick review of Iraq's history shows external interventions and values are ineffective in the long term. Even in America's history, the Civil War was a turning point because it was an organic, intrinsic conflict. Outside forces did not play an active role. Would America be the success that it is today if France or Spain facilitated the Civil War? Americans were responsible for the Civil War and that's why it had a profound impact on the direction of the country. Just like every patient, every nation is different. Foreign policy has to be tailored to each country's needs and goals. 

The same model has to be considered for Iraq. Ask the Iraqis what they want to increase their intrinsic motivation and investment in their country. Considering their goals and aspirations. If Iraqis want to isolate and manage the country on their own, so be it. If they want international intervention limited to assistance from bordering countries, so be it. If they want an Islamic state, so be it. With each decision there are positive and negative consequences. That is part of nation building and identity formation. It's important to recognize that Iraq is a country that is less than 100 years old. It takes time but Iraqis have to engage in their future, and that happens by giving them the keys to the car.

Just like therapy and self-improvement, it takes time and experience. Look where America was 100 years after it's founding. Some might say America in the 1870s was similar to Iraq in the 2000s in many ways. It may be messy and even tragic, but if Iraq is going to be self-sustaining and prosperous, foreign policy has to start with the Iraqi people. 


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Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

Everyone gets angry. I've written previously about the psychology of grudges, aggression in kids, and other topics related to anger. Anger plays a large role in daily life, and sometimes it's uncontrollable. Before we delve into how to control anger, let's briefly talk about the origins of anger. 

Before anger, there was sadness

In my clinical experience, anger is almost always a secondary emotion. The primary emotion is the feeling of sadness or hurt. For some this may seem counter intuitive or flat-out wrong, but consider depression, especially in men. One of the criteria for a diagnosis of depression can be irritability. For kids, depression can be masked by acting out in an hostile or angry manner. The image of a depressed person is usually someone sitting alone and crying. However, depression can present in an aggressive manner, such as yelling or fighting. 

In my post, The Psychology of an Extremist, I lay out the idea that before we see the rage, there is a pattern of sadness (e.g., rejection, isolation, alienation, worthlessness). The same applies to moments of uncontrollable anger. 

How to understand your anger

Get to the real source of your anger. You might be wondering why I'm talking about sadness in a post about anger. There is a reason. In order to control your anger, you first have to figure out why you are angry. If your friend is late for dinner, are you angry that your friend is late or are you hurt that your friend doesn't value your time and that is what makes you angry?

Listen to your body. I wrote a general piece about how your body is constantly sending your mind feedback about your emotional state. For anger, reflect and be thoughtful about what is happening with your body when you are feeling angry. Are you shaking, sweating? Is your heart pounding, hands balled in a fist, jaw clenched?

Get in your head. Be aware of what you are thinking. Are you having thoughts of hurting someone, yourself? Are you fantasizing about yelling or other aggressive acts? When experiencing uncontrollable anger, you are probably experiencing thoughts that are out of your character. Along the lines of depression, it's common for angry feelings to turn into self-deprecating thoughts of inadequacy and worthlessness.

How to control your anger

In the next post, I'm going to write more about strategies to utilize to manage and control your anger. Some techniques will work for you while others will not. Like anything, you have to try something to determine if it is right for you.


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I'm pretty fortunate that I get to work with people of all age ranges, especially kids. It allows me to stay young, be silly, and get the latest updates on all things young people. I also get the opportunity to revisit my own childhood (for example, a young man was recently telling me about Scouts and the Pinewood Derby).

However, in the past couple of weeks I've had some experiences that make me feel like an adult. No, not the discovery of gray hairs (happened 10 years ago, for the record) or groaning as I stand from a sofa. It was passing on pizza at a couple of gatherings. I thought to myself that I would have never rejected pizza a few years ago, what's happening to me? Then I felt it in the pit of my stomach, I might be entering adulthood. So if you can relate to any of the symptoms below, schedule an appointment with your local life insurance provider and talk options.

1. Passing on a favorite food that you genuinely believed as a child you could have for every meal for the rest of your life. Beware, this will shatter your world.

2. You no longer consider candy a food group. Remember when you were a kid and you promised yourself that you would eat as much candy as you wanted when you are an adult? What happened to the dedication?

3. If you do eat that candy bar or pizza, you think about what it's doing to your body and how long it's going to take to burn off the calories. If you aren't thinking about it, maybe you should. (See, the adult in me is talking again.)

4. You think someone's TV or music is too loud. I remember watching TV with my dad as a kid. If he was watching something he would ask for the volume to be increased. When I switched the channel, he would ask to turn the volume down as the TV was too loud.

5. It's impossible to keep up with the newest and even outdated social media. You're happy, feeling confident about your facebook knowledge. Then a young person not only mentions a social media platform you have never heard of, but they also laugh when you ask them if people their age use facebook.

6. You use the term “young person”.

7. You look forward to going to sleep early, like 8pm early. For parents, you are more than content to fall asleep with your kids.

8. You haven't made a friend in months, maybe years. You are still meeting people, and some are very interesting. However, you are more acquaintances than friends. Subconsciously you are terrified they are going to ask you to become flexible on your 9pm bedtime.


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It's that time of year. People get excited because the new year symbolizes new beginnings and fresh starts. With that you have the New Year Resolution. A number of surveys show that the success rate of New Year Resolutions is around 10%. Here are some tips to increase your chances.

1) Why this resolution? It's important that your resolution has personal meaning. If you choose a goal because other people or society have suggested it, chances are you won't stick to it. The toughest clients to work with in therapy are those who are ordered to therapy or come to make someone else happy.

2) Be realistic. Set realistic goals. It's one thing to want to lose weight or quit smoking, it's another thing to set a goal of losing 5 pounds a week or stop smoking cold turkey. Do some research on your goal and get educated on what is realistic for you.

3) Pace yourself. I have a friend who stays away from the gym all of January. His reason is “because all of the New Year Resolution people will have quit by then so it's less crowded.” Most people exhaust all of their energy and motivation in the first few weeks. Slow down and keep a steady pace. You can't start a marathon off by sprinting.

4) Set yourself up for success. Give yourself a chance at success and create a plan or schedule before the New Year. You know you better than anyone so figure out what's going to help you be successful. Should you do it alone or have a partner? Keep a written journal, progress chart? Break your big goal into smaller ones?

5) Stay focused. I'm not necessarily talking about staying focused on your goal. I'm speaking more to focusing in on one, maybe two goals. Many people spread themselves thing by setting too many goals. The goals may be great, but your chances of success increase if you focus on one or two goals versus five or six.

6) Remember a setback doesn't mean failure. You gain a pound, break one of your rules, or do something that is the exact opposite of your goal. Big deal. No one is perfect and each time you have a failure is an opportunity to better yourself. Nothing is black and white. If you have a bad day, week, or month, there is always another day, week, or month where you can turn it around.

7) Reward yourself. Everyone needs rewards. Whether it's a vacation or a small treat, set up rewards for making progress or reaching goals. A reward can serve as that extra motivation to get you through a tough moment. 

Good luck and Happy New Year!


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The stigma of mental illness is alive and well. As a society we've become more comfortable with the idea of mental illness, as long as it doesn't directly affect us. People are very supportive for others but are often not proactive about seeking psychological services for themselves or a loved one.

Last week was the one-year anniversary of the Sandy Hook tragedy. One year ago, emotions were high and misguided statements such as “we need a national mental health registry” were made by ordinary and high-profiled citizens. Undoubtedly, mental illness played a role in that tragedy, but let's look at the numbers:

A 13-year study found that people with mental illness are responsible for approximately 5% of all violent acts that occurred during that time period.

The vast majority of mass kilings are committed by individuals without a history of mental illness. 

A person with a mental illness is 5 times more likely to be a victim of violence than the perpetrator.  

In 2010, 13% of violent crimes were categorized as intimate partner crimes, meaning you are 2.5 times more likely to be victimized by your partner than by someone with a mental illness.

Let me repeat that, your partner is 2.5 times more likely to violently act out toward you than someone with a mental illness.

Maybe we need a registry of all intimate partners.

How common is mental illness?

Here are statistics that are fairly common among psychological circles:

About 25% of adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year, with a serious mental illness found in about 6% of the population in a given year.

Approximately 7% of the adult population suffer from a major depressive episode in a given year

Approximately 18% of the adult population suffer from an anxiety disorder in a given year. That's essentially 1 out of 5 adults.

The prevalence rates of other disorders such as personality disorders, OCD, PTSD, bipolar, and schizophrenia range from 1-3% of the population in a given year for each disorder.

So sorry, mental illness is more common than you probably assumed. More importantly, those with mental illness aren't ticking time bombs, even if that's how they are portrayed by the media and others.

So instead of blaming those who are struggling with mental illness, provide support and remember that mental illness is a challenge for tens of millions Americans every day. Chances are you already know someone struggling with a mental illness right now.  


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The holiday season is here. Family gatherings, food, logistics, airports, to-do lists. It's stressful. Most agree in the end it's all worth it, but it's stressful nonetheless. The holiday season can also bring about depression and sadness for some; although in general, depression and suicides actually decrease during the holidays.

Many people report feeling lonely during the holidays, and for a number of reasons. Family couldn't come together, family did come together, a loved one passed away earlier in the year, or a loved one is sick and it might be the last holiday with them. It can be a mixed bag of emotions. Here are some tips on how to manage holiday stress:

Healthy boundaries. I can't emphasize this enough. Have you ever been talked into hosting a gathering or taking on too much responsibility for an organization? Know your limits and maintain healthy boundaries in order to keep your stress manageable. 

Make time for yourself. Even if you love everything about the holiday season, make sure to have some “me” time now and then. Even if it's volunteering to grab a few ingredients from the grocery store or going for a walk.  

Maintain a sense of normalcy. This doesn't mean keep the same schedule every day. Continue one or two healthy activities on a regular basis.

A few pounds won't kill you. By all means, if you can stay away from all the baked goods and treats, more power to you. But if you're like most people who attend parties or are surrounded by goodies, it's okay to indulge. That's what the New Year resolution is for.

Manage your finances. Too many times I've worked with families who have a great holiday and then are in a dire situation financially post holiday. Sit down and figure out what you can afford by considering your financial needs for the weeks following the holiday.

Let go...for now. Families can be splintered because of past issues. If you want everyone to have a pleasant holiday, try to temporarily let go of past and even present issues. This doesn't mean you have to forgive and forget, but set aside differences for the sake of togetherness.

Extend Thanksgiving. No, I'm not talking about the food, although...I'm talking about being thankful and grateful. If you are able to spend time with friends and/or family, be thankful. It doesn't have to be an over-the-top moment of gratitude, even pausing for a few seconds can relieve stress and positively shift your thinking. This is actually something to practice year around.

This too shall pass. If you dislike holidays, the bad news is they come ever year. The good news is holidays pass with time. If it helps, use a calendar or countdown to keep in mind that the holiday will be over soon.

Go on vacation. This obviously isn't for everyone, but I've seen a growing trend of family vacations during the holidays. Families report enjoying not having to figure out the logistics of going to three different homes in a day, figuring out menus, fighting road and store traffic, etc.


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In the last two posts, I provided tips for both parents and teens. I wanted to be clear that both the parent and the teen have a role in the parent-teen conflict. The assumption in both posts was a fairly healthy parent-teen relationship.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Some parents and teens report avoiding each other at all costs, fighting, disrespect, and even counting down to an 18th birthday because that means the teen is leaving the house. So what if the parent-teen relationship is already bad?

1. Be realistic. All parents have fantasies of being the go-to person for your kid. That's just usually not the case. If your relationship is rocky, don't expect for it to improve to an unrealistic level. Be okay if the relationship improves but you aren't best friends.
   
   
2. Contain your pride and hurt feelings. If a relationship has soured there is probably a history of pain, hurt, and disrespect for all involved. You can't undo the past, but you can learn from it. Remember, the goal is to contain, not bury negative feelings.
   
   
3. Start over. Literally. Have a conversation about starting over. Sometimes your laptop is so infected with viruses you have to reboot. A start over is only possible if you can contain hurt feelings.
   
   
4. Do different. When parents and teens fight, it's usually in an intellectualized way, meaning the argument is based on thoughts and opinions. If your arguments feel like a debate, your conversations are intellectualized. Try using emotional and curious statements. Expressing a feeling or curiosity about the opposing view can positively shift the direction of an argument.
   
   
5. Common ground. Find common ground. Is there something you all can mutually agree on? If you can, this is a good way to open dialogue and rebuild a relationship. Even if the agreed thing is something small like not cursing or yelling, it's a start.
   
   
6. Use incentives. A lot of parents say they are weary of a reward system because they don't want to "pay for good behavior." Incentives are what motivate people, whether it's money, status, praise, or a sense of accomplishment. Is it really the worst thing if your teen follows the rules just so they can go to a concert on the weekend?
   
   
7. Co-create house rules. If there has been long-term conflict, the current rule system isn't working. Co-creating house rules means everyone knows the expectations and consequences. The rules should apply to everyone, even the adults.
   
   
8. Be consistent. This is a hard one, because the fury of a teen who feels shackled can be overwhelming. If you have agreed upon rules, you have to be consistent and enforce them. I can't tell you how many times a teen has said to me that they aren't worried because they know their parents are “all talk.” Be consistent with punishment and praise.
    
9. Find a mediator. It might be a friend, family member, or a professional. Having another person in the room can ease tensions. A mediator can provide objectivity where there is little. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you are equipped with skills for any situation. Sometimes being a great parent is acknowledging your weaknesses. 
   
   
10. Keep perspective. I routinely have parents who come for a second session and say they haven't seen any improvement in the past week. The conflict is usually years in the making. That doesn't mean positive change will take years (it might) but it will take longer than a few sessions.
    
    
11. Savor wins, even tiny ones. If your family sits through a meal without fighting for the first time in months, savor that moment. That doesn't mean be content, it means value “new” positive experiences, even if they seem insignificant. It's a start. 
    
    
12. Share your experience. Your family is certainly not the first or millionth family to have problems. Share your experience with peers to gain insight, ideas, and perspective.
    
    
13. Hang in there. At some point, maybe 1, 5, 10 or 20 years down the road, your teen will come to a realization (usually when they are a parent) and gently ask, “Did I ever give you trouble?” That will be the bonding moment you've been waiting a lifetime for. Hang in there. 
    
    

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In this final post for this communication series, let's focus less on you and more on your audience. Mentioned in previous posts, you can express yourself clearly, but that doesn't mean that you will be understood or even heard. If you aren't communicating in a way that can connect with the other person, then you're wasting your time. Here are some things to consider about the other person:

Age. The age of the person you are talking to matters. You speak differently to children, teens, and adults. If you are speaking to a child or even teens, try to use short, succinct statements. Avoid sentences with multiple steps unless the person has shown an ability to multi-task.  

Especially for young children, body language and tone are important. I strongly recommend when talking to a child, come down to their level, literally. Adults are intimidating to children, sit down or even kneel down when speaking to a child, even if you are angry. You are already in charge, there isn't a need to be physically intimidating as well. 

One of the biggest complaints from teens is their parents talk to them like they are children. I know for parents, their kids will always be children. But a conversation can be much more productive if you speak to your teen like they are a young adult. That doesn't mean you agree with everything they say, it just means be aware of your tone and potential for speaking in a condescending manner. 

Communication Style. This is a part of communication that gets overlooked. Is the person you are talking to a visual or auditory learner? Some people prefer to have written directions while others can listen to directions and perform flawlessly.

Are you assertive or passive in your communication? How about the other person? Sometimes the message can be lost in the presentation. Be aware of how you present yourself and how the other person presents to you. Sometimes a video of a conversation can provide incredible insight into personal mannerisms.

Previous experiences. History has a tendency of repeating itself. Reflect on what has lead to productive versus unproductive conversations. Share your thoughts with the other person and compare notes. Even if it is unconventional, it may work for you. 

Everything that I write about is based from my training and experiences. The writings are more of a guideline than manual. Go with what works for you, as long as there aren't unhealthy consequences. 

I've attempted to capture some of the major themes and hurdles to effective, healthy communication in this series. I hope these 4 posts on communication have been helpful. This doesn't mean the posts on communicating are over, there will certainly be more. 


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Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

Facebook’s impact on the world is undeniable. The ability to connect with someone on the other side of the planet with the click of a button is remarkable. Be careful though, because studies examining facebook show an inverse correlation between the amount of time you spend on facebook and psychological well-being. In essence, the more time you spend on facebook, the worse you feel about your life.

Now with that said, many people use facebook to stay connected with family, maintain friendships (by not directly talking to friends…that’s for another post), network, and find others with similar interests. These reasons can all be healthy and actually improve life satisfaction. When facebook is used to stay connected with others, it can be very rewarding and beneficial.

So what's the problem? People by nature compare themselves to others. There are a number of theories (e.g., Festinger’s social comparison theory) that suggest people get their self-worth and value based on comparing themselves to others. Again, that’s not unhealthy. It can actually be very beneficial to compare yourself to others. The problem arises when the comparisons are not based on completely accurate information.

Facebook allows for a filtered, biased representation of the individual. Profiles are full of pictures of home-made meals, exotic trips, and daily highlights (kudos to those who share daily lowlights). With enough facebook surfing, these snapshots can seem like the norm. You start comparing your "average" life to friends who just returned from a vacation, make meals from scratch, or always seem to be having success. That becomes your belief of what others around you are accomplishing. You start to question your value and negative thoughts creep in.

It’s important to keep an accurate perspective. For every picture of culinary masterpieces, there could be countless pictures of leftovers. For every picture of breathtaking views of the beach, there could be hundreds of pictures of a somber office cubicle. People tend to share the good and not the bad, especially on social media.

Facebook profiles are like reality TV. They're edited to show the eye-catching highlights as the mundane routine couldn't get the ratings. Keep that in mind.

In the 1900s it was don't judge a book by its cover. For the 2000s, maybe it should be don't judge a person or yourself by a facebook profile. Neither a book cover nor facebook tell the whole story.

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One of the first questions someone asks when they come for therapy is, "How long is this going to take?" It's a interesting moment as there really isn't an answer. For a lot of people, this is where setting goals is important. It's a way for people to track progress. It's measurable. Am I less depressed? Do I have more friends? Have I been better at coping with daily stress?

These questions are ways to assess the frequency of presenting symptoms (e.g., feeling sad, lacking energy, discomfort in social situations). The symptoms are what bring people to therapy. However, the cure for symptoms is examining the root causes. Getting to the root of a problem is complex, and it's the reason why it's difficult to answer, "How long is this going to take?" In my work, successful therapy is defined by attaining 3 goals.

Increased awareness of the self.

Before making real changes in your life, you have to better understand what changes need to happen. Part of that process is better understanding you. Everyone has their own behavioral patterns, relationship tendencies, stress management preferences, and a style in relating to others. Therapy helps the person gain insight into personal patterns.

Increased awareness of the other.

It's great to know why you do the things that you do, but life doesn't exist in a vacuum. Your behavior has an impact on others. The next step after increasing awareness of your behavior is making the connection to how your actions affect others. I'm talking about empathy again. I've written extensively about empathy, read a more detailed description here.

Understanding relationships.

Seems natural. Gain awareness of yourself and others and you'll be good to go with relationships. Right? Not necessarily. Relationships are Gestalt-like, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Understanding relationships is more than understanding yourself and the other. Relationships are a source for psychological well-being. Unhealthy relationships are usually associated with increased stress and psychological problems, whereas those with healthy relationships tend to be happier and more confident. For a more in depth read on relationships, click here.

Increased awareness will inevitably lead to a decrease in presenting symptoms, which is what most people want. However, increased awareness leads to a fundamental change in our core self, which is what most people need.

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If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville facebook group by clicking here. Thanks for your support!