Isaac Newton’s first law states an object is at rest or moves at a constant velocity unless acted upon by a force. The images that come to mind are probably two objects that act toward or upon one another: a baseball and a bat, two cars colliding, swirling your drink with a straw. Here, I’ll lay out how several aspects of the law of motion also apply to interpersonal relationships. 

A relationship is fluid. It evolves, shifts, and changes based on the interactions of the individuals. Relationships can vacillate from strong and sound to weak and tenuous as a result of the actions of one or both individuals. Newton theorized outside factors can impact the relationship between two objects; the same applies to relationships between people.

Thinking about the bat hitting the ball, there are two factors regarding the impact (Force): specifically the size of the bat (mass) and the speed at which the bat is swung (acceleration). Hopefully the F = ma equation came to mind (thanks, Dad). Now applying that equation to a relationship, think of the F as the emotional impact, the m as the person, and the a as the content and delivery of a feeling. The Emotional Impact is the product of a Person and the Feeling Delivered by that person. Emotions are certainly much more complicated than these two variables, but for now let’s keep it simple. I’ll discuss other factors in future posts.

For an illustration of m (the person), think about how you would feel if a loved one praised you compared to someone you had just met. More than likely, the praise from the loved one will have a larger emotional impact. How strongly you feel something is linked to who is delivering the message. In many instances, two different people give the same advice, but you might listen to one and dismiss the other. Why is that? Reflect on that question. Parents are driven batty by teens who ignore a parental suggestion and then respond “Great idea!”, when a friend makes the same suggestion.

As for the delivery and content of the message, a, the analogy I always use is your birthday and receiving a present. If someone presents a nicely wrapped gift with a “happy birthday!”, your experience is going to be different than someone giving you the same gift wrapped in a plastic bag with a “here”. The difference is clear, but it’s not always clear in relationships. In therapy, especially couples and family therapy, a constant theme is how to gift wrap feelings, both negative and positive. Just because the feeling is anger, sadness, or frustration doesn't mean it has to be expressed in a hurtful way.

Newton’s first law of motion focuses on being acted upon; the second part is how the object is affected by the act. I’ll touch on the second part here, and say more in next week’s post.

In relationships, this second stage is largely ignored in everyday life and consequently is a significant part of therapy. How do you respond after an emotionally-charged experience? People are more focused on what happened than on what happened after. Part of a relationship is increasing your emotional awareness. 

A complexity arises as an experience in one relationship can impact (positively or negatively) how you perceive and engage in other relationships. This is very evident in couples and family therapy where you have multiple individuals acting upon one another. I’ll write more about this later, but for now think about the solar system and what would happen if one planet suddenly shifted.

This is what makes relationships fluid and why laws and principles can’t completely capture relationships like it can with the sciences and math. Maybe it was serendipity, but Newton was on to something in regards to interpersonal relationships. Ironically, some psychologists argue that Newton would have been diagnosed with Asperger’s disorder in present day.

As usual, feel free to share. Part II, next week!

There is no easy way to say it, a divorce breaks up a family. However, a divorce doesn't have to leave a family broken. Divorce can be very messy.  If you are a parent getting a divorce, there are many ways that you can make this difficult process easier on your kids. Here are a few suggestions on how to help your kids through a divorce:

It's not your fault. You would be surprised by how many kids feel that the divorce is their fault. Kids tell me they think their parents are getting divorced because they didn't brush their teeth enough or because they cry when they fall. It’s very important to let your children know that the divorce has nothing to do with them, and has everything to do with the parents.

Minimize exposure to conflict. Don’t fight in front of your kids, just don’t do it. No, it doesn't help them learn that fighting is a part of a relationship. They have their entire lives to learn that, including their own peer and romantic relationships. When conflict arises, save the conversation for a later time when the kids are at school, at a friend’s house, or when you and your spouse can assure privacy.

Allow your children to process their feelings. Your kids may seem okay, but they are feeling and thinking all sorts of things. Give them a space to process their feelings. Ask them regularly how they are feeling about everything and keep in contact with teachers and other adults in their lives. If they don’t want to talk to you, find a therapist or a trusted family member or friend that they can confide in. Let them be angry, sad, and even critical.

Don't use your kids as messengers. Don’t do it. If there is something that needs to be said to your ex, find a way to do it without involving your kids. If talking in person is unproductive, use the phone. If that is unproductive use email or send a letter. All too often, kids are seen as the mediators. It’s unhealthy and can have long-lasting, negative effects on your kids.

Avoid criticizing your ex in front of the kids. Divorce is hard, especially when you feel you were betrayed or hurt in the process. It’s important to remember that as frustrated and angry you might be at your ex, your ex is still your kids’ parent. Kids report one of the hardest things for them is hearing one parent talk badly about the other parent. It makes kids uncomfortable, sad, confused, and resentful.

Try to keep some level of stability. A divorce is extremely unsettling in many ways. Two houses, constantly moving back and forth, new family members, etc. are all major changes. Keep some sense of stability in your kids’ lives by maintaining their hobbies, friendships, and other interests. If Saturday night is movie night, then keep it that way.

Take care of yourself. The divorce process is stressful, even if at some level it’s a relief. Find support in family and friends, seek out therapy if needed, and participate in appropriate activities that help relieve your stress. Like any stressful experience, self-care is vital for your physical and psychological well-being.

Reassure and love your kids. Last but not least, love your kids. Make certain that they know they still have two parents who love them very much. Kids need to know that they are loved and cherished in difficult times, especially when they feel they may be a part of the issue. It’s important to be more attuned to your kids during a divorce, they need to be reassured of their importance in your life.

These are general tips for helping your children during the divorce process. These strategies can also be helpful for families that aren't going through a separation or divorce. Each family is unique and you may find yourself thinking one or all of these tips don’t relate to your family. That’s okay. My hope is that the general themes presented can fit in some way for each family.


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I'm continuing to write about relationships for a couple of reasons: 1) this topic has been the most requested by readers, and 2) I am contributing to a public forum this coming weekend focusing on advice for a healthy and happy marriage. My hope is writing this will help you as well as help me get my thoughts in order. 

Is love enough? Unfortunately, we know the statistics. Divorce rates vary, but most have the rate in the low 40% range. Not quite the 50% that everyone talks about, but still an alarmingly high rate. So it seems like love alone is not enough, at least 40% of the time. Sorry, don't shoot the messenger.

Love may not be enough on its own, but it's a good start. When you are considering a serious commitment like marriage, you want to be thoughtful and honest about your relationship. The questions that are usually pondered are: Do I love this person? Can I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? Am I getting married for the right reasons?

How do you answer these questions? What's the right answer? Is there a right answer? Whether it's mutual love, similar interests, or "chemistry", you have to dig deeper into your relationship for the answers. This is my advice. If you ever find yourself thinking that things will get better after marriage, take a step back, a big step back.

How do you dig deeper? One option is premarital counseling. Studies show that premarital counseling reduces the risk of divorce by 30%. The goal of premarital counseling is not to find flaws in one another and point out what issues are going to be a problem. Instead, premarital counseling provides an opportunity to have a meaningful dialogue about what works in your relationship, what areas you can improve on, and what to be aware of if you choose to move forward together.

For many couples, premarital counseling is a welcomed relief. There may be life issues that have been avoided such as children, religion, family dynamics, living situation, and finances. At a deeper level, issues like communication style, stress management techniques, and personality characteristics can be openly explored and better understood by each partner. Conflict will happen, but the resolution can be easier if you truly know your partner. Part of knowing your partner is having open conversations about similarities-differences, strengths-weaknesses, and tendencies-aversions.

One potential issue for couples is misinterpreting your partner. That is, misinterpreting your partner's intentions. If your partner walks away from a conversation to think or gather their thoughts, you might misconstrue the walking away as not caring about the conversation (or relationship). If you are confused by a statement, action, or response then ask for clarification. Many potential blow-ups are avoided by simply stating, "I'm a little confused, can you say more about what you just said."

Communication style can be another major obstacle for couples. Some people like to talk immediately about a problem, while others like to have time to gather their thoughts and then come back to the issue. Generally speaking, men typically want to fix the problem, whereas women want to "talk it out." Counseling can help a couple achieve balance between these approaches or at least help the couple communicate more effectively.

Premarital counseling provides an opportunity to practice how to communicate with one another about serious issues. Confronting conflict may feel scary, but it can actually build confidence in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. The more you practice, the less anxiety, stress, and fear you will experience in the future when a difficult topic arises. You and your partner will be more aware of each other's communication styles, stress management skills, and nonverbal cues (e.g., eye-rolling, head-scratching, etc.)

Take a moment and try this exercise. Reflect on how you felt reading this post, maybe read it again. Which emotions and thoughts did you experience? Now imagine what it would be like to read this with your partner sitting beside you. Would there be tension, discomfort, fear? If the idea of reading this with your partner makes you anxious or brings to consciousness a serious but ignored issue in your relationship, then maybe this post will help open dialogue between the two of you.

I've talked exclusively about premarital counseling, but these same concepts apply to any relationship. It's never too late to improve yourself or your relationship.


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

If someone steps into my office, it's because there is a problem, usually a serious one. I'm still waiting for the day that someone walks in and says, "I'm doing great in all areas of my life and wanted to share that with you." Not sure what I would do. So instead of only focusing solely on how to solve particular problems, I also want to highlight the positive in everyday life. 

So why do relationships succeed? If you read my post on relationship failure (if not, you can here), then the concepts in this post should be somewhat familiar. Again, the major themes are communication, trust, and empathy. 

Before addressing the relationship themes, it may be worthwhile to stop and think about what success means to you in the context of a relationship. A successful relationship must have genuine communication, unconditional trust, and mutual empathy.

Communication. What is healthy communication? Most of you will say being open, honest, and sincere with your partner. All of that is true. Healthy communication involves each person being heard and respected. Being heard is more than someone looking at you when you are talking. It is the active participation of the other in attending to you. It includes both communicative (i.e., verbal acknowledgement, response) and non-communicative gestures (eye-contact, body language). 

The more attentive you are to the other person, the more genuine the connection. So put down the smart phone and make eye contact (don't worry, your facebook page will still be there). If the other person does not have your undivided attention, then the other will be less invested in the conversation. For that moment, the other person will be less invested in you. How do you feel if you are talking to someone and they are multi-tasking? People in successful relationships emphasize the importance of genuine communication between partners. 

Trusting your partner and the relationship. Trust is following through on what you say you are going to do. This includes major commitments (i.e., honesty, faithfulness, integrity) as well as the smaller details (i.e., daily responsibilities, punctuality, etc). It may seem silly to have your relationship impacted by forgetting to do the dishes. However, I've had many couple sessions where people express that the lack of commitment to the small things becomes a big issue over time. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. You can either acknowledge your limitations and work to improve or make excuses. One builds the relationship, the other hurts it.

Trust is knowing that something is important to your partner without your partner having to tell you repeatedly. I’m not saying you should be a mind-reader. However, you should be attuned to what matters to your partner. By being proactive or even active, your partner will notice that you are trying to meet their needs. This goes a long way in the process of building trust. 

Trust is strengthened by being honest with each other. Being honest does not mean you are an open diary all of the time; it can include saying, “I’d rather not talk about it now, maybe later?” This type of statement sends two messages: "I’m not in a good place right now, but I do want to talk about it with you at some point." At a deeper, relational level, this statement also says, "I can be vulnerable with you and I trust that you won't use my vulnerability against me." This is a subtle but very powerful component of a relationship (I'll write more about that in a future post titled "It's about the process"). When you feel weak and need support, a good partner will be there for you. These moments strengthen the relationship and builds trust.

Empathy. The concept of empathy is known by many, but the application can be a challenge. Empathy is the awareness of another person's feelings. The common metaphor is "put yourself in the other person's shoes." Training yourself to be empathic is a great skill to have for any relationship. A question to ask yourself is "How might the other person be feeling right now?" It's that simple. Empathizing with your partner does not mean you are wrong, or they are right. It means you are trying to understand and connect with your partner's emotional world and actions. Empathy involves setting aside your feelings (no, not dismissing them) for a moment and connecting with your partner's feelings. This may not solve the issue, but it can strengthen your relationship. 

Reflect on your current relationship and even past relationships. What went wrong? What went right? What can I change? I imagine that the answers to these questions will involve one, two, or all three of the relational themes. 

Healthy relationships are a combination of minimizing the unhealthy and maximizing the healthy. It's not an either-or scenario: you can't just avoid the negative or just emphasize the positive. If you want to be a physically healthy person, you have to minimize junk foods AND have a healthy diet. A relationship is work, but I can't help but reflect on something my dad says to me (all the time, I mean, all. the. time.): If something brings you happiness and success, is it really work?


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

Both praising and criticizing are equally important in relationships, but unequally utilized.  More often than not, we are focused on the criticizing aspect, especially as parents.  The rationale is that certain rules need to be set, held, and maintained.  Boundaries are reinforced by teaching what not to do and stating what rules should be followed.  It's human nature to curb negative behavior; it should also be natural to reinforce positive behavior. 

I would estimate that 99% of the couples that come for an appointment talk about what is wrong with their relationship. Topics include harmful behaviors to the relationship, why the other person change, and how each is frustrated and exhausted with the other. They are taken aback when I ask how they met, and to express what they like about each other. This technique can transform anger into genuine care and love in the blink of an eye. No special trick here, just asking each person to talk about the positives of the other can provide a nice moment and valuable insight into the relationship.  

What's the point of shifting from a negative to a positive experience?  There are numerous reasons, but the most important is that your ability to communicate and connect with others is greatly increased if you are in a good place, emotionally and psychologically.  You will be more relaxed, less defensive, and more open to having a meaningful, intimate conversation. 

Talking about the positive aspects of someone or a relationship doesn't heal emotional wounds, but it can certainly help. Much in the same way that praising someone helps to balance out criticism. Whether you are in a one-year or fifty-year relationship, a friendship, or a romantic relationship, it always feels good when someone compliments you.  

That is why it is always important to remember to praise the other.  Even if it is something the other person has done for years (e.g. walking the dog, making meals, taking care of the bills, etc.), it is nice to be appreciated. A simple thank you or acknowledgement does just that; it appreciates the other person, it shows that you are aware that the other person is giving effort, and it's a pleasant moment. With enough praise and appreciation, a moment of criticism, even hurtful criticism (everyone has done it), can have minimal impact. 

So remember to be vocal about the good as much as the bad.  When critical, keep it constructive.  When praising, keep it within reason.  Too much of anything is too much. 


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support! 

Everyone has been hurt by someone.  It's healthy to feel sad, angry, and confused among a number of emotions.  You question what happened, how it happened, and why it happened.  Sometimes you don't reflect, and want to punish the other person.  You want the other person to feel as badly as you do.  Punishing the other person feels good or at least takes away some of the pain. 

I don't judge anyone for how they feel.  However, at some point you have to ask yourself, "Is holding on to this anger and resentment healthy for me?"  The most common occurrence is in relationships where your trust has been violated by someone (e.g. lying, deception, infidelity, breakup, etc.).  I'm not suggesting to allow someone to hurt you and then forgive them unconditionally; I'm suggesting to consider your feelings about you, instead of focusing on your feelings about the other.  It's much harder, but it will be worth it. 

Sometimes it feels better to blame the other person, remind them of their faults, hold on to resentment because they made the mistake.  It feels in control, like things are balancing out: from being hurt to punishing the perpetrator. It feels fair.

With that said, there comes a time when holding on to negative feelings becomes unhealthy and problematic for you, not the one who hurt you.  Anger and resentment can blind you from what matters in your life.  It can cause you to focus on the details, losing awareness of the big picture. Anger and resentment can spill into other relationships and experiences, and not in a good way.  

For many people, letting go and forgiveness are associated with power. If you have been hurt, you feel powerless. You feel acted upon. You may feel deceived, manipulated, lied to. By holding on to feelings of blame, anger, and resentment, you are able to feel more powerful. It gives you a sense of purpose, a sense of direction. However if you hold on to those feelings for too long, those same feelings get the power.  You lose control again. The negative emotions drive how you think about things, how you interact with others, and how you feel about yourself.  This usually does not end well. 

When you hold on to a feeling, when you blame the other, it takes away from your own responsibility for what happened. This does not mean you are to blame for someone else's actions, it means to examine if you had any type of role in what happened. What was your part? What could you have done differently?  Anything? This type of self-reflection is challenging and can be painful, but it can be very rewarding in your own personal growth. 

So how do you know that it might be time to let go and forgive?  Here are a few things to consider:

Is holding on still beneficial for you? If so, how?

Is this a pattern in your life? Has this happened in previous relationships?

What is keeping you from moving on, what are you actually holding on to?

What was your role and responsibility in what happened? Did you have a role?

Letting go and forgiving is not easy. It takes strength, courage, and compassion. Not compassion for the other person, but compassion for yourself. Forgiving does not mean you are weak or foolish, it means you have the strength to move on from a negative experience.  

Feel your feelings fully, reflect on the experience, take the good with you, learn from the bad, move forward. Life is too short to be looking over your shoulder at the past. 


As usual, feel free to share this post via facebook, twitter, etc. Comments are welcomed!

Salmaan Toor is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Knoxville, TN. If you are interested in being notified of future posts, you can “like” The Family Center of Knoxville on facebook here or can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for your support!

I can't take any credit for this list, other than posting it for all of you. It's a thought-provoking list, and there are alot of great concepts that go way beyond romantic relationships. Many of the items can be applied to friendships. I'm not one to give worksheets or "homework" in therapy, but I give this to almost all of the couples I work with. 

I read about this list from www.suhaibwebb.com who re-posted the list from a seminar. Enjoy!

1. Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. You have to work at it.
2. If your job takes all of your best energy, your marriage will suffer.
3. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own happiness.
4. It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time.
5. When you complain about your spouse to your friends, remember that their feedback can be distorted.
6. The only rules in your marriage are those you both choose to agree with.
7. It is not conflict that destroys marriage; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that you hold for a long time.
8. It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with what you have.
9. If you think you are too good for your spouse, think again.
10. Growing up in a happy household doesn’t ensure a happy marriage, or vice versa.
11. It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.
12. The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.
13. Love isn’t just a feeling; it is expressed through our actions.
14. Expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.
15. Arguments cannot be avoided, but destructive arguments can be avoided.
16. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.
17. Even people with happy marriages sometimes worry that they married the wrong person.
18. Your spouse cannot rescue you from unhappiness, but they can help you rescue yourself.
19. The cost of a lie is far greater than any advantage you gain from speaking it.
20. Your opinion is not necessarily the truth.
21. Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy.
22. Guilt-tripping won’t get you what you really want.
23. Don’t neglect your friends.
24. If you think, “You are not the person I married,” you are probably right.
25. Resisting the temptation to prove your point will win you a lot of points.
26. Generosity of spirit is the foundation of a good marriage.
27. If your spouse is being defensive, you might be giving them reasons to be like that.
28. Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100.
29. You can pay now or pay later, but the later you pay, the more interest and penalties you acquire.
30. Marriage requires sacrifice, but your benefits outweigh your costs.
31. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continous process.
32. Accepting the challenges of marriage will shape you into a better person.
33. Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket: once it clears the pull of gravity, it takes much less energy to sustain the flight.
34. A successful marriage has more to do with how you deal with your current reality than with what you’ve experienced in the past.
35. Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself.
36. There is no greater eloquence than the silence of real listening.
37. One of the greatest questions to ask your spouse is “How best can I love you?”
38. Marriage can stay fresh over time.
39. Assumptions are fine as long as you check them before acting upon them.
40. Intention may not be the only thing, but it is the most important thing.
41. Good sex won’t make your marriage, but it’ll help.
42. Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy will.
43. Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear, not love.
44. Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming.
45. If your spouse thinks something is important, then it is.
46. Marriage never outgrows the need for romance.
47. The sparkle of a new relationship is always temporary.
48. There is violence in silence when it’s used as a weapon.
49. It’s better to focus on what you can do to make things right, than what your partner did to make things wrong.
50. If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce.

Excerpted from Al Maghrib Institute’s “Fiqh of Love” seminar with Shaykh Waleed Basyouni.